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Posts Tagged ‘Tim Tebow’

T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times used to (and I assume still does) have these page 2 columns where he would just write random one or (if he was feeling particularly literary that day) 2 lines on some current – or close to current – sports topic of the day.  Simers is a snarky guy who is under a 30-year delusion that local professional athletes care about him, so often times his columns would read something along the lines of “Eric Gagne apparently didn’t like my last article.  Perhaps he was going through roid rage at the time…So Kobe Bryant is accused of rape.  Couldn’t of happened to a nicer guy…Slot machines at Hollywood Park?  I’m more interested in the glue machines…” Before we go any further, yes I am accusing someone else of being snarky and I don’t find that the least bit ironic – unless you’re using the Alanis Morisette definition of the word.

I think the most famous of these laziest of lazy-type columns come from Larry King, who may or may not still have a syndicated column.  But unlike Simers, who like the comedians I used to sit with in the green room at The Comedy Store walk around with a constant impending aura of doom, King is positively Henry Winkler-like in his optimism.  Even his attempts at biting political commentary came off as…toothless.  Columns would read such as “Don’t sleep on Walter Mondale.  He’ll be President one day and you can say you heard it here first…My latest child is 49 years younger than my oldest. You know what they say…Senator Rockefeller has a food stamp reform bill in committee now. I once had duck with him and his lovely wife.  She’s a fine woman and a better cook.  So I fucked her….”

These columns really are the worst of the worst. In the case of someone like Simers, he’s almost flaunting his apathy whereas King actually seems to believe he’s accomplishing a journalistic achievement that combines Dave Barry, Molly Ivins and a sober Jimmy Breslin.  I don’t know which is worse, but I can’t respect any writer, blogger, or journalist who would engage in such nonsense.  Which is exactly why this blog entry will be my version of those columns.  Except, as my loyal readers know, I’m far too verbose to cut down my thoughts to just a few lines.  Still, since I’m obviously far too lazy this Sunday evening to form full thoughts, I’m hoping these half-thoughts will create something of a readable experience.  Let’s find out, shall we…

Let’s start off with the topic that has America talking…San Diego State Athletics.  Let’s give it up for Steve Fisher and his 7-1 SDSU Aztecs.  Sure they hit a road block during ESPN’s 24-hours of madness against a too-big to defend Baylor team, but their win versus ranked Arizona flanked by victories against two good Big West teams – Long Beach State and the Drinking Gauches of UC Santa Barbara – means SDSU should be sneaking into the Top 25 any moment now.  Last year’s lone returning starter – Chase Tapley – is lighting it up like Richard Pryor in ’82.  Super-talented Jamal Franklin will likely emerge as the 2012-13 Mountain West player of the year (if the Mountain West actually still exists in 2012-13), and James Rahon hasn’t even found his sweet caucasian stroke yet.  The Aztecs have 3 tough games left against ranked Creighton and revenge-minded Cal plus cross-town rivals USD before going into the easy part of the schedule for 2 weeks and then its conference play beginning in mid-January.  Yes, they are very thin in the front court so my conservative prediction for the fighting Aztecs…29-1.

Meanwhile, Rocky Long’s first year in Aztec Mesa has gone okay.  That Wyoming loss stings and quite frankly it would have been nice if we didn’t hand games over to TCU and Boise State before they really even began, but with their win over lowly UNLV Saturday night, the Aztecs are 7-4 and bowl bound regardless of their on-again, off-again rivalry game with Fresno State this Saturday.  I’d like to go to that game at Qualcomm, but unfortunately I’ll be at the Mint for Elisa Grace’s Album release party.  Who’s Elisa Grace…you jest?

I’m not going to talk about the BCS mess because my next blog this week will specifically address that issue.  But I will comment on the Heisman Trophy race which is the most wide-open competition going in America today, easily beating out the race to become the 2012 presidential nominee for the Republican party because that contest is being brought down by Michele Bachman…and Rick Santourum…and Ron Paul…and Herman Cain…and Rick Perry…and Newt Gingrich…and Mitt Romney. Did I forget anyone? Is Huntsman still in the race? Is Mike Johnson in a debate? Is Buddy Roemer really a Republican? Is Fred Karger really gay?

ESPN did a poll prior to this Saturday’s games which amazingly showed the Tide’s Trent Richardson as the front-runner.  And then some clown on Game Day justified this silliness by stating that Richardson was the only one of the top candidates who “performed” in a game that “counts” referencing his deceiving stats in Alabama’s LOSS to LSU.  How can you name Trent Richardson the best player in college football when he couldn’t help his team get into the endzone once in the most important game of the college football season? Don’t misunderstand me, Richardson is terrific college back and worthy of being in the discussion.  But so is Houston’s pin-wizard QB Case Keenum and he shouldn’t win either.  People seem to penalize Andrew Luck for Stanford getting perducked by Oregon, but why don’t they mention his comeback against USC?  Or Matt Barkley’s performance against Oregon?  Or RGIII’s performance in every game Baylor’s won and lost this year.  I simply ask you this.  If Matt Barkely, Andrew Luck or Robert Griffin III was the QB for Alabama against LSU (and Trent Richardson wasn’t there), do the Crimson Tide win that game?  The answer is ABSA-FRIGGIN-GOOGILY-GOO-GOO-LUTELY…to the 3rd power.  Word.  To Your Baby Daddy.  Yuh-Huh.

If Trent Richardson is on USC but not Barkley do they still beat Oregon (or come out on top against Stanford)?  If Richardson is on Stanford instead of Luck, would the Cardinal have beaten Oregon (or still beaten SC)? Does Baylor even have a winning record this year if Richardson is their marquee player instead of Bobby Triple G?  The answer to all of those questions is NO.  Or, for my Guatemalan readers – NO.

I’m well aware quarterbacks are different than running backs, but you want to know something: I saw players like George Rogers at South Carolina and Barry Sanders at Oklahoma State and those guys carried their football squads in a way that Trent Richardson simply doesn’t carry ‘Bama.  If Richardson wins it’ll be a bigger travesty than when Charles Woodson beat out Peyton Manning in ’97; a bigger joke than when Crash won the best picture over the gay cowboy movie; a bigger crime than when Ian Folke Svenonius beat BK out for Sassiest Boy in America in 1990 just because he refused to use capital letters.  All that joker has done since is release 15 albums, a scant 15 more than BK has released in the same period of time.  But BK has used his time to edited shows about fashion while making questionable real estate investments in Los Angeles area condos – so who’s sassy now Svenonius?!?  You Fuckin’ tool.

Back to whatever it was I was writing about,  I’m not making a judgment on Richardson’s as a player (he’s very good), or as a person (although he used far too many “hey man’s, no man, yeah man” in his Dan Patrick interview).  For all I know he’ll enter the NFL and break Emmitt Smith’s all-time rushing record. Well actually I do know – he won’t break that record and as my past NFL Draft predictions have proven I’ve only been wrong once before (why Ethan Horton, couldn’t you learn to lower your shoulders!)  But if Barkley and Luck end up splitting the West Coast vote and Baylor’s lack of national exposure results in Richardson winning this year’s Heisman…well frankly that would really suck.

Roger Federer was great in this week’s Barclay’s Championships in London.  He didn’t lose a match and was clearly the best player on the court in every match he played – even the two 3-setters against Jo-Willie Tsonga, who looks poised to possibly join Andy Murray in 2012 in the “Almost but never quite good enough” category of player that Robin Soderling looked ready to join before injuries and an uninventive game derailed his hopes.  What was more interesting, though, was how tired both Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic looked.  Nadal just looks so dejected these days after going through a season where he was completely unable to get over on Djokovic and each match they played he seemed farther away.  I’m calling my shot right now – Argentina, behind a surpise Juan Monaco victory over David Ferrer – will win this year’s Davis Cup against Spain as Del Potro beats Nadal in a thrilling final match.  And if it doesn’t happen, well who’s really going to be watching or care enough anyway.  As for Novak, how does he lose to his inferior countryman Janko “I’ve never seen a match I couldn’t possibly quit in” Tipsarsvic.  Obviously Djokovic’s shoulder isn’t 100% or even 85% but I thought more than anything he looked mentally exhaused, like he was sort of obligated to be in the tournament but didn’t really have the heart for it.  It’s kind of a shame because it would have been nice for him to complete one of the most dominant season’s in tennis history with a victory but I think his gas tank sort of hit empty after the U.S. Open and hopefully the one-and-a-half month rest prior to Australia will not just rest his shoulder but also his psyche.  And speaking of psyche, how hot is Tomas Berdych’s wife or girlfriend or whatever she is.  I don’t know what that has to with any definition of the word “psyche” but she’s sweeter than Popeye’s Sweet Tea on the front porch of a Bulgarian Tug Boat.  Finally, I’m calling another shot – Roger Federer will win the 2012 Australian Open.  And here’s another shot I’m calling…Alex Bogomolov, Jr. will not win the 2012 Australian Open.

The NBA is about to end their lockout and start playing on Christmas Day.  They were going to start 5 days earlier on the first night of Hannukah, but that would prove to be just too controversial.  My wife asked me, upon hearing the news “Oh, so they went with the 50-50 split” of which I replied “Who the fuck cares.” Still, that’s some shrewd negotiating by the player’s union.  They not only agreed to exactly what they didn’t want, but they lost 2 months of pay to boot. I haven’t seen smooth deal making like that since Barak Obama agreed to a series of budget cuts he didn’t really want in exchange for raising the debt ceiling – or in other words absolutely nothing.  We’ll talk more about the NBA in a future blog but that 16 days from 12/9 to 12/25 when free-agents can be signed and trades made will make the NFL free-agent frenzy look as calm as Bill Murray in Broken Flowers…or Lost In Translation…or Low Down…or….

So Monday night’s Sing-Off is a fait accompli as Penatonix will easily walk away against the over-matched Darmouth Aires and the less than original Urban Method.  I was hoping for more this season, including but not limited to a Sara Bareilles/Ben Folds sex tape video release, but instead we were treated to the most dominant performance by a singing group since Ministry shocked the world and overwhelmed the Chili Peppers, Soundgarden and a not-quite-ready for prime-time Pearl Jam at ‘palooza ’92.  Congrats to Penatonix.

And congrats to the New York Giants, who as I write this are a mere 24-hours away from completing a 63-19 white-washing of the New Orleans Saints in the Superdome in a game that will have America saying “Who dat Da’rell Scott.”

Until then, though, Tim Tebow is the story again in the NFL this week – which must irk the Raiders who are a game ahead of the Broncos in the AFC West.  I almost feel bad blogging about Tebow because it’s just too easy.  Saying negative things about Tebow is as sure a way to get my click-throughts up as when Joanna Angel tweets “I got DP’d again and here are more pics.” But how long can I criticize the burly Born-Again Christian and how long can Joanna Angel stay popular by insisting James Deen be in every scene with her?

However, before I talk about the Broncos’ victory in San Diego, how bad have the Chargers become?  If Norv Turner keeps the job he never should have been given in the first place than all the 9/11 conspiracy theorists will abandon that fruitless pursuit and focus their attentions on how the Matt Millen of coaches is still employed (and it can’t just be because he’s got a good-looking local sportscaster daughter).

The Chargers looked like they were going to march the ball up and down on the field aganist the Broncos Sunday which would finally give Tebow-haters what they wanted – how could the turkey-armed QB possibly bring his team back if they ever fell behind by more than 10 points and had to abandon their offensive scheme, which seemingly is right out of Army’s 1957 playbook.  But that lasted all of a quarter and then suddenly we were right back to where we were when the Broncos played the Dolphins…and the Chiefs…and the Jets.  The Broncos defense keeps the team in the game (and by the way – just how good is Von Miller), Tebow can’t do anything and Denver punts.  Then, all of the sudden, Willis McGahee and friends suddenly start finding holes created by that once shitty offensive line, unheralded wide-receivers start making diving catches and Tebow starts moving the team down the field.

So since I’ve been so negative towards big Tim – and I still stand by my prediction he’s out of the league 2 years from now (just like I still stand by my prediction that The Blake Babies are the break-through band of 1989) – I will say this.  He’s got great vision and instincts when running, even more so than a guy like Michael Vick who is just so fast and explosive that no one can catch up to him.  I also agree with Phil Simms’ assessment that I don’t think Tebow is so inaccurate (although he is inaccurate) as much as he’s so scared about throwing an interception that he often just gives up and throws the ball away.  Still, as someone who watches a lot of Eli Manning, sometimes not turning the ball over is better than completing 10 passes in a row if the 10th is to the other team.

I thought Tebow played his best game so far in San Diego because after a miserable 1st quarter, he looked okay throwing the ball and stood in the pocket.  Even though he only averaged 3 yards a carry, the way he runs the option makes those runs effective.  “They” used to say that the option couldn’t work in the NFL because A) athletes were too good in the NFL and they’d be able to stop it and B) quarterbacks would get hit too much.  The latter might be true, Tebow gets hit a lot and he’s an unusually big guy for a quarterback.  It is hard to imagine how Tommie Frazier or Scott Frost could take that much pounding and perhaps over time Tebow won’t be able to either.   Still, Tebow’s moderate level of success makes one wonder if NFL teams have just been flat-out wrong-headed by not considering option-attacks.  The first – and really only time – I recall the option attack being used regularly was a series in a 1987 replacement game between the 49ers and the woeful replacement players that made up the New York Giants that year.  The fake 49ers blew away the fake Giants and at one point, Bill Walsh plugged in QB Tony Stevens who ran an option attack that marched the 49ers down the field.  Walsh looked over at Bill Parcells and they both laughed.  Not just at the absurdity of replacement games but of the fact that the option was being run.  “Only in a BS game like this,” you could imagine them both thinking “could you get away with that college bullshit.”

Yet when you look at Tebow’s success – along with the mild amount of success Miami had a few years ago with the wildcat formation – is it possible NFL coaches have been missing out all these years?

Oh wait…does completing less than 50% of your passes, not scoring 20 points and beating teams the last 3 weeks with a combined record of 14-19 really qualify as success?  I mean I know San Diego is hurting on the defensive side of the ball, but the actor on Suburgatory who likes like Tim Tebow could have completed passes with the amount of time Timmy was given to throw.

I realize the Chargers didn’t want to be beat off the corner by Tebow the way the Jets were the week before, but did they forget what the Lions did to Tebow…they crushed him in the pocket.  The Broncos have since adjusted their game plan and the Chargers don’t have the Lions front but the lack of pressure Tebow was given was ridiculous.

Listen, Tim Tebow is already a more effective player than I or very many other people thought he would be.  I never hear from Tebow’s rabid fan base after he does poorly – but hear a lot from them when he does well – and we all know that’s lame.  So I won’t wait for Tebow’s next bad game to post an “I told you so” blog.  He’s finding a way to lead his team to a win and even when he’s not moving the ball he’s sort of fun to watch – which I never really thought when I saw him at Florida just because so many of those games were white-washes against the likes of Kentucky and Vanderbilt and watching one college team beat another 50-0 is not fun (if you don’t believe me, ask Rick Neuheisel).   But while Tebow is still a champion of mediocrity on the pro stage, look at the NFL today.  There’s really only one game this year that promises to give Tebow real trouble (New England in Week 14) as the Bears defense (which Denver also faces this year) will feast on him but their anemic offense minus Jay Cutler will likely make that game a carbon copy of the Dolphin and Jet games.  And maybe Tebow could hang in there as a 6-10, 7-9 even 9-7 quarterback in this league and then Bronco fans will really be put to the test.  If he’s awful, you have no choice to get rid of him.  And if he’s great, you have no choice but to keep him.  But how do you handle it when your chosen one leads your team to being merely so-so; to being more or less competitive; to being almost good enough to lose in the first round of the playoffs.  Ask Indiana Pacers fans about being always good enough to challenge for a playoff spot but never good enough to actually win a playoff series.  It’s no fun.  Then again, those poor saps are stuck living in Indianapolis so they’ve asked for a life of misery anway.

BK-O-Meter: With a Pie & Burger pumpkin pie in his gullett and a $4.50 hot dog in his right hand, BK made his first NFL Draft notes of the year. “I like this Mike Martin from Michigan” beamed a suger-rushed BK. “I saw two plays of the Michigan-Ohio State game and on one of them he looked good.”

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My inaugual blog post is, to this day, the most widely read blog post ever for Doug’s NFL Draft World.  And that’s saying something considering that my 2011 Fall Television Preview Blog had well over 10 views last week.

So as I watched Tim Tebow answer questions following his undeniaby dreadful performance playing for the pretty damn dreadful Denver Broncos against the once dreadful but not-so-much anymore Detriot Lions, I had a strange sensation pass over my body and it wasn’t just the antiobiotics I’m taking for my current bout with strep throat.  What I felt was…sympathy.

I actually sort of feel bad for Tim Tebow.  Because he had no business being drafted #1; he had no business having all this pressure put on him; and he had no business being thrown to the wolves the way he did on Sunday.  Listen the Broncos are a bad team; they traded their best receiver, Knoshown Moreno and Willis McGahee are “ok” backs running behind an offensive line that shouldn’t be – but most definitely is – this worst in the NFL.  And it’s not like that Bronco defense is giving the offense any breaks either.

That doesn’t mean Tebow belongs as an NFL starter.  He doesn’t.  I’m not going to say anything that other’s haven’t said and my opinion on his skill set and liklihood of success isn’t any different than when I called him a douche in this blog 2 years ago.  People compare him to Vince Young in the sense of being some kind of Quarterback Savant who has an unorthodox style but somehow manages to “Just Win Baby!” Well Vince Young’s recent travails aside, he was never as bad as Tebow was Sunday.  Now Young shad some things going for him – most notably a better team and a coaching staff that didn’t put too much on his shoulders – almost holding him down at times to a ridiculous extent.  I don’t recall, however, Young being this jumpy in the pocket; this seemingly uncomfortable after almost every snap, and this inaccurate.

Tebow is who he is.  There’s a reason why Scott Frost was never given a chance to make it as a quarterback; while Eric Crouch was dismissed when he insisted on trying to be a quarterback, why Charile Ward was drafted in the first round…in the NBA, not the NFL.  Because their skill sets didn’t translate and everyone – NFL scouts, coaches and fans alike – knew it.  Sure, you’ll always have your diehards in Lincoln and Tallahassee for whom their college sweetheart can never not be the sweetest.  At the end of the day, however, no NFL team wasted a first-round draft pick, a roster spot, and millions of dollars on them as quarterbacks.

Tebow’s cocky, but I don’t think anymore so than Crouch or Ward.  He is debatably the best college QB ever but that’s not why he’s so popular.  His almost unreal level of wholesomeness combined with our current political climate mixed with the constant media buzz that surrounds us 24-hours a day, 7 days a week made Tebow bigger than he ever should have been and allowed an immature and overmatched coach to hijack an organization and draft him significantly higher than 31 other teams would have.

But watching Tebow complete what really was a truly atrocious performance and then answer questions after it while his coach would only guarantee his starting spot for “at least one more week” I felt like this kid is being put in a position to fail and that’s sad to watch.  It’s like watching a teenage tennis player play her first match against Serena Williams; or The Yellowjackets try to keep up on “Sing-Off.”

They’re clearly not good enough to compete with Afro-Blue or Plentatonics, but you almost feel terrible that they’ve been allowed to believe that they could be successful – almost like some cruel trick someone played on them just to watch them humiliate themselves, a la “Carrie.” And while I don’t think Tim Tebow will go on a killing spree (other than killing the hopes of the Broncos ever winning a meaningful fame) I’m not sure an aging Sissy Spacek couldn’t make more accurate passes than the big Christian from Florida.

Watching Tebow reminds me of when first Mike Ditka and then Steve Spurrier insisted on rolling Danny Wuerffel out week after week even though clearly he didn’t have the arm strength to play in the League.  You just kept wondering “Why are you doing this to this poor kid.  Let him get on with his life so he can become a Long-Term Care Insurance salesman like he was destined to be.” And Tebow will do even better as he’ll inevitably follow his 3-year pro football career in 2013 by giving Jesus-laden inspirational speeches along with Colin Powell, Bill Cosby and a bunch of crooks trying to sell you their bullshit get rich quick schemes at those All-Day seminars they hold in sports arena’s for $1.95 a head.

So before we skewer Tebow’s Sunday performance, I would contend it was any worse than Blaine Gabbert’s with Jacksonville.  In fact, Gabbert may have been worse and anyone who’s seen the big Presbyterian out of Missouri knows he’s got a long way to go too.  And remember Eli Manning’s first 5 starts for the Giants? Woeful would be too kind.

Of course the difference: Gabbert is and Manning was a rookie (and Gabbert didn’t even get a full pre-season due to the lockout – not that that seems to have stalled Cam Newton’s progress, but still).  They didn’t have an entire season and 3 previous starts under their belt.  No, Tebow may not be worse than Gabbert right now, but at least with Gabbert you can see how he could be a pro quarterback.  It’s not to say he will be successful – Heath Shuler and Tim Couch and even Jack Thompson looked like pro quarterbacks who in the end couldn’t cut it.  But Tebow, when he plays, doesn’t look like a NFL Quarterback.  He looks like the time Nick Andopolis tried out to be the new drummer with a Dimension on Freaks and Geeks; a boy amongst men.

No, the career I imagine Tebow’s will resemble most closely is that of Akili Smith, who parlayed one really good, really versatile season with Oregon into being the 3rd overall draft pick of the Cincinnati Bengals in 1999.  Smith, similarly to Tebow, seemed to struggle with the Bengals offense almost from the get go.  In his first 2 seasons, Smith started 15 games.  His stats during that time: 3 wins, 12 losses, less than a 50% completion percentage, 6 TD’s versus 12 interceptions.  Despite those woeful numbers, Smith stayed on the team for two more seasons and in his final year (2002), the Bengals handed him the starting job.  He would run the team for the rest of the year and this would be his final chance.  That final chance  lasted all of one game – 12 for 33, 117 yards and interception and a loss.  Smith was quickly yanked from the starter’s spot and never played another game.

I imagine that will be Tebow’s ultimate fate.  He’ll have his moments but he won’t get significantly better.  At some point, John Fox will have no choice to bench him as his surrounding players (many of whom’s NFL careers will be shorter than Tebow’s) lose confidence in him and the Broncos have to see if Brady Quinn can play or not.  After that, maybe Tebow lasts one more season in Denver but it’ll be awkward.  He won’t be allowed to compete for the starting job and they’ll try to force-feed him into make-shift wildcat formations that will almost certainly stop being used by the mid-point of the season.  Then he’ll be cut, or maybe traded, to some sorry team looking for a little fan support (perhaps Jacksonville if Gabbert doesn’t pan out or the Raiders) where he’ll get to start one more game, perform poorly and eventually fade out into a career giving those inspirational speeches about his college days.

Yet I can’t blame Tebow for wanting to play or for being confident in his ability to succeed or for believing that a belief in a higher power will carry him through.  What would you like him to say, “No I’m overmatched, but what choice do they have I’m being paid a lot so I have to keep going out there until they mercifully cut me and let me go home?”Every great actor…every great athlete…every great entrepreneur had a point in their life when the only one who believed in them was them.  However, so has every failed actor, unsuccessful athlete and bankrupt businessman.

It’s time for both the Tebow-haters and the Tebow-fanatics to leave him alone now.  He will not make it as a NFL quarterback because he’s not good enough.  But let’s show him so compassion at this point; it’s tough to fail at anything but he doesn’t deserve to be embarrassed in the process.

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As we approach the 2011 NFL Draft, the comments and accolades are still coming in fast and furious from our inaugural 2010 NFL Draft blog.  It goes to show you what calling an evangelical Christian Quarterback a douche can do for you.  In fact calling Tim Tebow out proved to be so successful in drawing readers to this blog that I’m already looking for relevant ways to minimize Cam Newton’s forthcoming NFL career.  But  I haven’t yet found the perfect word to describe last year’s Heisman Trophy winner and leader of the National Champion Auburn Tigers.  And I need to act quickly, because Newton’s pro career is going to end quicker than Snoop Doggy Dogg’s first take in 2001’s Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course my quarterback picks last year were spot on.  As I accurately predicted Sam Bradford couldn’t handle the NFL, Colt McCoy proved he has no business in the league and Tim Tebow didn’t start a game.  So with that kind of track record behind me, I go into this year’s draft with the same level of misguided confidence that allowed “Jersey Shore’s” Mike “The Situation” whatever his last name is to think he actually could tell jokes during the Donald Trump Roast and then leave the stage truly believing he killed it.

This draft blog is not for those who merely want stats and ad nauseum analysis.  One can certainly find that on a plethora of sites throughout the net.  You want high-quality in-depth analysis?  WalterFootball.com does a good job.  You want your full range of combine results? Go no further than FFToolbox.com.   You want a solid overview, simply take a peek at the draft board at CBS Sportsline.  And if you want a whole bunch of information and mock drafts that will be completely useless and largely inaccurate?  Rest assured Mel Kiper is back again for the 789th consecutive year.

But if you truly want to enjoy and understand the NFL Draft.  If you truly want to be able to drop chicken nuggets worth of information at your NFL Draft Party.  If you truly want to know just enough to enjoy the draft, but not so much as to truly get angry after the Bills fuck it up again, you need not read any further than Doug’s NFL Draft World.

This year, in addition to our position by position analysis, we’ll be adding three (3) podcasts leading up to this year’s draft on April 28th as well as tweeting live during the draft.  The tweets will likely be focused on things that have nothing to do with the draft…Eric Cantor’s hair, the future of nuclear energy in the states, why that David Plotz on Slate’s Political Gabfest is such a fucking downer…but they’ll all take place during the draft so the odds of you reading something relevant are at a minimum 50%.

We have upgraded the BK-o-Meter this year to include “short temper” and “unwillingness to change” as part of his ranking system while the mysterious but highly accurate DDI rating remains flawlessly intact.

So while this draft blog has become so popular it can no longer be your information source sleeper – the way Fordham’s Isa Abdul-El Quddus will sneak up to the line to offer quality run support once he gets to the pros – we’re confident they’ll be a panini’s worth of knowledge to be gained if you check in with us every day.

Watch how Isa sneaks up on that panini – it has no chance!

So read and enjoy the 2011 version of Doug’s NFL Draft World and get prepared to encompass some draft day savvy.

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Last night’s NFL Draft was gripping television to watch – especially if you TiVo’d the coverage on NFL Network so you could fast forward every time Michael Irvin opened his mouth.

The first 3 picks offered no surprises, but when sharp-dressed, gentle-tongued Gerald McCoy begin crying uncontrollably after being drafted 3rd overall by the Tampa Bay Bucs it proved two things – he’s too soft to be a great player in this league and that he’s going to fall in love with every stripper who gives him a lap dance at Mons Venus.

After that the surprises went from mild (Williams over Okung at 4; Berry over Okung at 5) to the wild (Cal’s DT Tyson Alualu going at 10 to the Jags – NICE CALL AND NICER SUIT MIKE MAYOCK!; San Diego trading up to 12 for Ryan Mathews – was he really going to go that high?) to the strange (San Francisco trading up 2 spots to draft high-ceiling, low-work ethic Anthony Davis when neither of the 2 teams they jumped ahead of – Denver and Miami – would seemingly have any intention of drafting him).

But of course the biggest story was that of Tim Tebow, once again managing to steal the spotlight away from Sam Bradford and Joe Haden and Dez Bryant and even future All-time NFL Sack King Jason Pierre-Paul.

Apparently Denver Bronco coach Josh McDaniel was so hot for Tim Tebow that he couldn’t wait any longer and had to trade up to the 25th pick to grab him.  This led to Tim Tebow whipping out the Bronco cap he’d already bought because he heard a message from God (or more accurately, a text message from McDaniel the day before saying they were going to draft him) and then having another one of those “Ah Shucks, I’m gonna work so gosh darn hard” interviews that made BK call him charming, CK1 call him cute and SK47 vomit on BK’s shirt.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Clausen has to be watching all of this and saying to himself, “Tim Tebow is such a douche.”  Then again, Clausen calling Tebow a douche is a little bit like John Edwards calling Sarah Palin unfaithful and hypocritical.  We haven’t seen a slip like this since Lindsey Lohan’s nipple peaked out of her loose-fitting Old Navy top while she stumbled out of the West Hollywood apartment of the valet she just fucked back in ’04…and ’05..and 06…and ’07 and…okay, you get the joke.

In fact last night Lindsey was so messed up she missed the draft which is a shame because she’s a big Brandon Graham supporter and had him going to the Eagles in her mock.

When a player who was thrown off his team and forgot to bring in his shoes to his own pro day is drafted before you – well then you’ve got problems.  It should teach a lesson to all you young Quarterbacks out there.  If you want to be drafted in the 1st round of the NFL draft, try to avoid the Ryan Leaf and Cade McNown comparisons.

Still Bryant was probably a victim and of the Santonio Holmes/Brandon Marshall nonsense this off-season and if Clausen’s maturity and attitude was that much in question then the Roethlisberger troubles this year probably didn’t help him much either.

So before we take a look at what to expect on Day 2 of the draft, let’s analyze Day 1.

SURPRISES BIG AND SMALL

The rumors were pretty strong that Washington was leaning towards Trent Willams over Russell Okung and as I predicted KC went with Eric Berry over an offensive lineman (I also predicted Derrick Morgan would go 4th and Jimmy Clausen would go 9th so I think I proved myself to be pretty much spot on all night).

The Joe Haden pick at 7 by Cleveland was a mild surprise.  Still if Holmgren didn’t like Clausen and lost out on Berry then a defensive back made sense – so if you have Haden rated higher on your board than Earl Thomas – go for it.

Rolando McClain at 8 was a good pick by the Raiders and allowed us the avoid the annual “Let’s Bash Al Davis” talk at the draft – at least for one day.  It did break the heart of Giants fans, but BK had already braced himself for this inevitability.  Like the time freshman Kimberly Laundau rejected his creepy advances to go out on a date with him.  After she avoided him like teams avoid Notre Dame quarterbacks with attitude, BK had already mentally braced himself that he’d have no date to the Senior Prom.

I love the Bills pick of Spiller even though they still don’t have a QB because really if you’re the Bills what position don’t you need an upgrade from.  The next 3 picks were a bit bizarre – no one had Alaulu rated that high (except the Jags apparently) and then that trade up for Davis which seemed unnecessary followed by the huge move up for Mathews by the Chargers.  Even if they were concerned Seattle would nab him, was he really worth that much draft bling?

Derrick Morgan’s fall was unexpected.  Tennessee supposedly really wanted Graham or Pierre-Paul, but the Georgia Tech outside rusher doesn’t seem like such a bad consolation prize.  And my prediction of the Bulaga fall was right on the money (or at least right on the loose change).

The Cowboys trading up for Dez Bryant wasn’t a huge surprise at that point and it’s likely the Ravens would have nabbed him with the next pick which is interesting if you think about it.  Here Jerry Jones rips Tim Tebow while drinking.  Then he trades up for Bryant – the guy the Ravens probably wanted – allowing the Ravens to trade their pick to the Broncos who take – Tim Tebow.

That’ll be a great story, espcially when both are out of the league by 2014.

You couldn’t really say wide receiver was a need position for the Cowboys, but it’s not like Austin, Crayton and Williams are spectacular so I guess why not.  Still, matching Bryant with Roy Williams – a high-talent, inconsistent player from the Big 12 with questionable work ethic and heart – seems like bad karma.

Then again, karma’s a bitch when you’re in Dallas.

The Dan Williams slip to the Cards at 26 was a mild surprise but overweight guys with reputations of not working that hard don’t seem to get as far as they used to – unless your John Goodman…or Anthony Davis.  However, landing in Arizona may not be the best move for Big Dan as the Cards have been known as the place where defensive lineman go to die.

Interestingly enough, Goodman clocked in a 40 .04 seconds faster than Williams at his Pro Day in that scene.

Finally, I liked all three (3) of the last picks of the draft.  Best to Detroit, Hughes to Indianapolis and Robinson to the Saints.  It’s the best last 3 picks of the draft since…well, Britt, Wells, Hood might turn out all right from last year.

BK-o-METER

Derrick Morgan!  Sean Weatherspoon!  Not Dan Williams!!!.  Those were the calls emanating from BK as the wheels kept turning in his head.  With McClain and Graham off the board (and my refusal to allow him to mention Dez Bryant any longer) BK thought the Giants were going Morgan. “But do we need an end?  I don’t know,” wondered BK allowed.  “What’s an end” chimed in CK1.  “You’re going to see the end of my first upside your head bitch if you don’t shut the fuck up!” yelped out BK in an angry retort.  “Okay, let me just get some more apricots for the mole tacos” and away CK1 went while the Tracinator simply said “Ooooh, child, I can’t go for that, I got fat on my back.”  When thing settled down and BK unpaused the draft and the Giants landed Pierre-Paul, BK was unsure of what to think.   Enthralled by his talent, wary of his experience, unsure of the need.  Like BK’s early fascination with Sam Rockwell, he didn’t know what to make until he saw confessions of “A Dangerous Mind.” It was at that point that he knew Rockwell was a genius and I knew BK was an idiot.  When the NFL Network showed the now legendary Pierre-Paul’s back flips BK stated “That shows me he can do a good spin move”, CK1 stated “That shows me he’s a quick cummer in bed” and SK47 looked up from her weary slumber and simply stated, “They should’ve taken Hughes” and then vomited on BK’s shirt a second time.

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The NFL Draft has been around – in one form or another – since 1936.  We’ve come a long way since the Eagles drafted backer Jay Berwanger (and let’s not even talk about the Giants drafting of that year’s Mr. Irrelevant – Holy Cross guard Phil Flanagan) and it’s fair to say the analysis of college players has become more sophisticated in the subsequent 74 years.  However, truthfully, the analysis of college players entering the draft has grown more in the past 24 years than in the previous 50.

Even some of the 1st round picks in 1986 – Jon Hand (Colts – 4th overall), Keith Byers (Eagles – 1oth Overall), John L. Williams (Seahawks – 15th overall), Tim Green (Falcons – 17th Overall), Mike Haight (Jets – 22nd overall) all might have slid if given today’s level of analysis.

Because of that, we’re not often surprised anymore when a player is picked in the 1st round.  We might be surprised which team picked the player, but we’re not often surprised that the player went somewhere in the 1st.  Sure, the 49ers made a few scratch their head with their late 1st round pick on Virginia Tech (and future NFL bust) QB Jim Druckenmiller, but the 49ers were drunk on success, drunk on dirty dealings with mobsters and literally drunk on a potent mix of Maui Rum and Hashish developed by a gay hairdresser named Salvador from the Mission district.

In 2006, the Bills – who have been almost certainly one of the 5 (if not 3) worst drafting and strategic teams in the league for the past 10 years – surprised everyone by pulling the trigger at number 8 for Ohio State cornerback Donte Whitner – who most had rated as a late first and even possible 2nd round pick.   They weren’t done, later trading into the first round for slow-footed, round shouldered N.C. State defensive tackle John McCargo – a player who they almost certainly could have drafted in the 2nd round had they just stayed in their position and whom some prognosticators didn’t think would leave the board until the 3rd round.  Ex-Bills coach Marv Levy, at the time in his 70’s, was making those calls for the Bills back then but Buffalo has come to its senses by bringing in younger blood and hiring 70-year-old Buddy Nix to call the shots this year.

Whitner’s actually turned out to be a very good player; McCargo not so much.  However, a true analysis of the Whitner pick still yields it a poor choice.  Not because Whitner can’t play – but rather because the Bills almost certainly could have traded out of that pick, still drafted Whitner in the mid-first, and collected extra draft choices (or even a proven player) in exchange.

In fact, I would say that I really thought at that time Levy’s mismanagement of the Bills’ draft that year would really mark the end of an era.  The last time a team would go into the draft seemingly so unaware of the intracicies of draft position and the understanding of value of players.  And then, I heard this last year.

“With their 2nd pick in 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select, safety from Ohio University – Mike Mitchell.”

Upon hearing this, announcers from ESPN to NFL Network responded one of four ways:

  • They chuckled
  • They scratched their head
  • They said “Who’s that?”
  • They exposed themselves to the first woman who passed them by

Okay, I told a white lie, Ben Roethlisberger wasn’t an NFL draft commentator last year.  He was unavailable as he was exposing himself to a teenager at an outlet mall outside of Akron.

Still, Mitchell was a guy who no one – I mean no one – had on their board at that time.  He was a guy who most people ranked – if they had him ranked at all – as anything from a 6th round pick to a non-draftee.  Even though Rich Eisen of the NFL Network would later state that the Chicago Bears would have drafted Mitchell a few picks later based on his impressive pro day, the truth is that there was a chance the Raiders could have drafted Mitchell – or someone else who will almost certainly have as strong a career – at least 4 rounds later.  While nagging injuries made it hard to judge Mitchell’s rookie season, just like the Bills pick of Whitner in the first round, whether or not a player pans out can’t be used a the sole barometer of a successful pick.

It’s hard to judge which safety might be overdrafted in this year’s draft, but you could make a case that in many people’s eyes the safest picks in this year’s draft – the anti-Mike Mitchell’s if you will – are safeties Eric Berry from Tennessee and Earl Thomas from Texas.

Everyone loves Berry.  I haven’t seen this much affection lauded on one person since Sully landed that plane in the Hudson and his vert isn’t half as high as the 43″ Berry catapulted to at the combines.  Berry seemed to excel in Monte Kiffin’s risk-taking Tennessee Volunteer Defense last year, showing the ability to hit and cover, sneak close to the line to anticipate the run and also pick of errand tosses in the cover 2 with aplomb.

Texas’ Earl Thomas actually ran slightly faster (4.44 to 4.47) and lifted slightly more (21 reps vs. 19) than Berry at the combine.  An inch shorter and a few pounds lighter than Berry, Thomas also learned some humility playing against spread offenses in the Big 12 that threw up the ball more times than a bulimic teenage girl who just returned home from an All-You Can Eat Chinese Buffet.  The NFL Network’s Mike Mayock insists that Thomas actually sees and anticipates the ball better than Berry, but that’s sort of like saying Sativa Rose is a better fisherwoman than Keri Sable – at the end of the day they’ve both still got to make out with one another.

As much as folks think Berry and Thomas are sure things, the chorus for USC’s Taylor Mays has been equally consistent.  Nice kid, all the physicals but inconsistent.  Bad hip rotation.  Doesn’t always react well.  In short, he just doesn’t seem to have “it.” (In BK’s case, “it” can be a turkey sub done the Jersey Mike way and since he moved from Hollywood to Eagle Rock – he also no longer has “it”).

So why do some people still project Mays as a late first?  Simply because of his physicals – 6’3″, 203lbs., 4.43 40, 24 reps, 41″ vert, 10 1/2″ broad.  I haven’t seen numbers that impressive since Carl’s Junior introduced the $6 Burger.  Too good to be true, I thought.  Then I ate one.  I quickly learned – it was too good to be true.  The burger was dry, lacked a kick and – interestingly enough just like Mays – the $6 burger had very poor hip movement.  At some point you’ve got to deliver it on the field and I wouldn’t spend a 1st or 2nd on a guy who I think will spend most of his career on specials.

Mays is the highest rated Free Safety in the draft but I like Florida’s Major Wright more despite the fact his physicals are less impressive than Mays.  Watch Florida games vs. SC games last year and you’ll hear  Wright’s name called more than Mays.  You”ll also hear Tim Tebow’s name mentioned more than Wright’s too which is why he also probably thinks he’s a douche.  I’m not saying Wright’s going to be a great player either, but it seems as if he’s just as likely to perform at the next level as Mays.

Virginia Tech’s Kam Chancellor is a big ol’ hot dog on a stick weighing in at over 230lbs. in a 6’3″ frame that rumbled to a less than impressive 4.62 40 at the combines.  But he reminds me of ex-Cincinnati Bengal Pro Bowl safety David Fulcher, a 6-3, 236lbs. safety from Arizona State who wound up in 3 Pro Bowls.  He played an almost hybrid Safety/Linebacker position and in the right system Chancellor could find a home.  One thing that’s guaranteed – that 4.62 means he won’t be drafted by the Raiders.

BK-O-METER

“Best pick of the draft,” BK cooed after the St. Louis Rams drafted Arizona State’s Adam Archuleta with the 20th pick of the first round in 2001.  High praise considering this was a draft that had already seen LaDanian Tomlinson and Richard Seymour be drafted 5th and 6th respectively and would later include reigning Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees.  But BK is not a man of the future, he’s a man of the present and in Archuleta he saw what he envisioned former overrated Giants cornerback Jason Sehorn could become – better instincts, better work ethic, equally legendary SuperStars performances and a marriage to an actress who would reject right wing political ideology.  But Archuleta would not turn out to be much of a player and to this day BK is still befuddled by his lack of success.  “Yeah, I don’t know what happened there,” responded BK while scratching his diminishing hair line, “He had it all right there.”  And that’s why you want to be careful when trying to interpret the complicated mathematical equations spat out by the BK-o-Meter.

TOP 12 SAFETIES

Eric Berry, Tennessee
I’d like to buck the trend here, but can find no reason too.  Berry’s deserves to be the #1 safety on the board.

Earl Thomas, Texas
I like Thomas just like everyone else does as well.  I would consider ranking him higher than Berry except his randomly placed tattoos on his torso sinks his BK-o-Meter

Major Wright, Florida
The NFL executive who drafts Mr. Wright will have majored in “Good Picks,” unlike Major Write who basically majored in eligibility.

Nate Allen, South Florida
Didn’t run at the combines, but he’s a good player who grades out well with his DDI and BK-o-Meter and should go in the 2nd.

Reshad Jones, Georgia
Like L.A. City Councilmember Tom LaBonge – too often underestimated.  He can get things done when it counts.  Unlike LaBonge, he’s a much better football player.

Kam Chancellor, Virginia Tech
Did I mention that David Fulcher was one of my favorite non-Giant players of all time.  His DDI is through the roof and the BK-o-Meter keeps him in the Top 3 rounds.

Taylor Mays, USC
Mays will be gone by the 10th pick in the 2nd round at the latest and he’s not a bad player but despite all that physical skill I see no real upside for him making it in the league.  Plus his BK-o-Meter is off the charts and that’s always something to be alarmed about.

Morgan Burnett, Georgia Tech
Supposedly Burnett is flying up the board and some even have him going in the late 2nd based on his Pro Day.  But if I’m wrapping Mays, how can I rate Burnett ahead of him.  BK-o-Meter also rising, but that could be because BK left his meter in the sun.

T.J. Ward, Oregon
Huge fan of Oregon.  Not so much the University itself or the players it produces, but of the state itself.  Nice beaches, great food, clean air – you can’t beat it.  On an unrelated note, T.J. Ward is a strong safety probably going in the 3rd or 4th round of the draft.

Harry Coleman, LSU
It would be nice to see a guy with a straight forward name like Harry Coleman make it in this league at the safety spot even though his DDI and BK-o-Meter remain neutral.  Still, it’s better than that of…

Chad Jones, LSU
How can you be 6’2 and over 200 lbs. and only pull off 9 reps at the combine.  He’s the anti-Taylor Mays. The performance wasn’t bad but I don’t care if you’re arm falls off, you cannot be over 6 foot and over 200 lbs and only pull off 9 reps at the combines.  Literally – it’s scientifically impossible.  Stephen Hawking’s next book is going to focus on this.

Larry Assante, Nebraska
There’s no real good reason Assante should rate this low considering he was a key part to a really strong Cornhusker D last year.  But his 40 time was slow for a safety (4.62) and I couldn’t come up with any witty Armand Assante comparisons for him.

BK LUCKY NUMBER 13

Myron Rolle, Florida State
BK was a fan of Antrelle Rolle when he was drafted in the Top 10 a few years back and is now a bigger fan ever since he signed with the G-Men in the off-season.  He also used to love Turkey Roll sandwiches as a kid.  His mom, often times right before leaving the house to assess a hot property in Oakbridge, would often make him “Turkey Rolley Sammy’s” and BK would cry back in glee “I love my Rolly” and his mom would say “and I love you” and BK would say “then why won’t you respect my relationship choices” and it would just get ugly from there and all of this bittersweet nostalgia has obscured the fact that Rolle’s 40 time is slower than the opening scene of every John Cassavette movie ever made.

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The comedian Louis C.K. has a bit where he basically talks about guys who are just “fags.” It’s not that they’re gay, it’s that they’re just…fags.

It’s politically incorrect, but anyone who isn’t completely socially inept or oblivious to the world around them (which is exactly 53.8% of the U.S. population) knows exactly what he’s talking about.  It’s only moderately funny, but it’s completely understandable.

Tim Tebow is not literally a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons, usually the rinsing of the vagina.  In fact, Tim Tebow has never actually seen a real vagina since his almost aborted birth over 20 years ago and wasn’t even allowed to say the word “Vagina” until his senior year in high-school and only then when denouncing Eve Ensler during a Sunday school sermon.

But as undeniably effective and multi-faceted as Tebow was as a quarterback during his 4-year career at Florida, let’s face it…he is pretty much a douche.  I mean, he was a douche when he “spoke” for the team after Urban Meyer’s temporary leave of absence.  He was a douche when he spoke about how “no football player will ever push himself or his teammates harder” after the Gators once lost a football game.  He even came off as a douche when Thom Brennaman infamously stated during the 2009 National Championship game “If you’re fortunate to spend five minutes or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it” and that incident wasn’t even of his doing.  Yet when you heard that, you didn’t say to yourself, “Thom Brennaman is a tool” (alright, well maybe you did) but you almost certainly also said, “Fuck Tim Tebow, he’s such a douche.” And so when Tim Tebow was taking the Wonderlic test at the NFL Combine (prior to scoring his un-quarterback like 22) and announced that a prayer should be said and supposedly another player in the room told him to “Shut the fuck up” that player was speaking for every non-Evangelical Christian football fan in the United States.

No one believes Tim Tebow is going to be a starting NFL quarterback.  It seems as if only a handful of people think he even has a future as a Wildcat or Back-Up QB.  What makes it interesting is Tim Tebow’s physicals are pretty good.  He’s a legit 6’3”, 245 who ran the fourth fastest 40 at the combine behind West Virginia’s Jarrett Brown (who’s basically a higher ceiling version of Tebow), Central Mishes Dan LeFevour and Okie States Zach Robinson.  And his 38.5 vertical was by far the best out of any of the QB’s at the combine which rates just behind his love of French Roast coffee and peculiar habit of wearing white tube socks with dress shoes as being relevant factors to his future as an NFL Quarterback.

Yet Tim Tebow has gotten more coverage on more NFL draft website and sports talk shows than the recovering Sam Bradford, the other likely first rounder Jimmy Clausen, the forgotten but high-ceiling Jevan Snead, the intriguing LaFevour or even the more versatile Brown.  And while none of this is necessarily his fault either, it just confirms once and for all that that Tim Tebow really is a douche.

However, talking about Tebow is the most interesting thing about the 2010 QB draft class and that’s because I’m not convinced any of these guys should be drafted in the first round – and we know that Bradford and Clausen are both likely to be drafted in the Top 10.  In fact, I’ve learned to just enjoy looking at the this year’s QB’s knowing that this may be the biggest bust crop of quarterbacks since the Carr, Harrington, Ramsey draft of ’02.

Sam Bradford has got to be the meekest looking 6’4” quarterback I’ve ever seen – and I’ve spent the last 6 years watching every game Eli Manning has played.  He’s 218 pounds soaking wet and piled up stats in a spread offense that he’s now a year removed from playing in regularly.  I’m not saying Sam Bradford is going to be another Andre Ware.  But what does the name Browning Nagle mean to you?  It should mean nothing. Nagle was a 2nd round pick for the Jets back in the day out of Louisville who later was handed a starting job he hadn’t remotely come close to earning and was quickly out of the league after that.  I just wanted to be the first person to invoke the memory of Browning Nagle this draft season.  What I’m really saying is Sam Bradford is another Andre Ware.

Jimmy Clausen should be the #1 overall quarterback drafted.  He’s big enough (6’2, 223) and comes from Charlie Weis’ pro-style offense at Notre Dame.  But the rumor is that he’s immature (read: could be another Ryan Leaf), has an attitude (read: could be another Cade McNown) and the barely better than Tebow 23 he scored on the Wonderlic ain’t doing him any favors either.  Is he the kind of guy who might go to a college bar, get a blow-job from an under-21 year-old coed and then later be accused of sexual assault after being accused of the same offense less than a year later?  Of course.  But can he help lead a team to two (2) Super Bowl rings before that inevitability?  Mike Holmgren will have to make that determination but I tend to think not.

In some ways, Colt McCoy is a sadder story than Bradford or Tebow.  He’s also coming off an injury, also coming off a somewhat disappointing senior season and also doesn’t have a lot of people pulling for him.  But he’s getting less attention than a hooker on Craig’s List whose advertisement simply reads “Why not just jerk off instead.” In fact the only time he’s mentioned is usually when someone is talking about another draft prospect, such as “Did you see the way Ndamukong Suh terrorized McCoy,” or “Did you see how Suh made McCoy his bitch” or even “Colt McCoy?  I didn’t even know he was still alive after Suh killed him in the Big 12 Championship game.”

Still McCoy keeps getting mentioned, like Tebow, in the Top 5 of quarterback prospects but I have a suspicion that’s more based on media familiarity than actual facts and his draft stock may be slipping fast.  While I do like McCoy more than Tony “If I was 2 inches shorter no one would even be talking about me” Pike out of Cincinnati, my guess is he is less likely to succeed in the League than more versatile signal callers as Brown and Robinson or high upside guys like Snead and LeFevour.  While I wouldn’t take “projects” like Fordham’s John Skelton or Tom Hiller out of Western Michigan ahead of him (because those types of late round “project QB from small school” picks rarely pan out), my guess is Mr. McCoy will be joining Mr. Tebow on the “Jesus must love College Football more than Pro Football” tour sure to hit small towns throughout Kansas, Arkansas and Central Texas sometime in the fall of 2012.

BK-O-METER

When BK was still pushing Dungeons and Dragons, I was making rock solid QB predictions.  In ’82 at the tender age of 11 I chastised the Colts picking of Art Schlichter before heading out to Monmouth Park so I could lay down $20 to win on any horse that was gray.  In ’83 I said Dan Marino would be the best QB of the draft (close enough) but also said Todd Blackledge would be 2nd (but I do like his little vignettes on ESPN Saturday Night college football when he goes to the local eateries.  Familiar, interesting, comfortable).  It would be years later before BK would dip his toes in the draft.  In 1999 he was indifferent towards Tim Couch, but chastised the Donovan McNabb pick (who I had rated as my #1 overall QB) while applauding the Bengals drafting of Akili Smith (I saw that guy play once and he can do everything) and simply calling Cade McNown a natural born leader.  It was at this point that I became convinced BK would eventually marry either a remarkably agile black man or an alcoholic white man with a slew of parking tickets in his backseat that he met at Frat Party in Bakersfield.  But BK redeemed himself when in 2005 he made one of his boldest statements ever.  “I do not understand how NFL GM’s think.  Have they seen Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers both play?  Smith has no chance of making it in the NFL, it’s a complete joke.  But Rodgers is a future star in this league!” While I was somewhat indifferent towards Smith, I admit I didn’t think Rodgers would translate at the next level.  It should also be noted that at this time BK started dating a woman.

TOP 12 QUARTERBACK RATINGS

1. Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame

Philip Rivers is annoying but good.  Brady Quinn is just annoying.  Sadly, my guess is Jimmy C is more the latter lowing his DDI.  Leaf and McCown comparisons also hurt the once-burned BK-o-Meter.  Still, on paper and in game film, he’s the best QB in the draft.

2. Sam Bradford, Oklahoma

The injury doesn’t bother me, but running that spread offense and piling up numbers against porous Big 12 D’s does lowering his DDI greatly.  BK-o-Meter seems disinterested.

3. Jevan Snead, Ole Miss

I don’t believe he’s another Andre Woodson and some of his junior year struggles need to be contributed to his overrated team and strong conference raising his DDI.  His BK-o-Meter also runs high due to the Manning connection.

4. Dan LeFevour, Central Michigan

All the physicals help him go through the roof on the BK-o-Meter but according to his DDI his prospects remain inconclusive.

5. Jarrett Brown, West Virginia

High DDI because of his versatility carries him through indifferent BK-o-Meter measuring

6. Zach Robinson, Oklahoma State

I’m not quite sure why I’ve given him such a high DDI because despite his 60+ completion percentage his junior and senior years, he never seemed that accurate when I saw him.  Still, I like the physicals and toughness and feel he’ll find a roster spot somewhere.

7. Mike Kafka, Northwestern

I know I know, I blast Bradford for being a product of the system but then go ahead and rank Kafka higher than anyone else does despite piling up numbers (and bad decisions) in that pinball offense Northwestern ran.  But he’s got a little something something and the BK-o-Meter is higher than expected too.  Probably won’t have the physicals to make it, but what the hell.

8. Tim Tebow, Florida

Just in case Jesus wasn’t some lonely guy standing on the desert corner screaming crazies and will come back and judge us all, I better put Tebow somewhere in the Top 10 despite his record low DDI.

9. Colt McCoy, Texas

Low DDI and not a whole lot better on the BK-o-Meter.  His last two moments in college were moving too slowly on a play he’s lucky didn’t run out the clock against Nebraska in the Big 12 C-Game and then getting injured right off the bat against Bama in the BCS.  That’s worse karma than me mocking Tim Tebow.

10. Tony Pike, Cincinnati

His DDI should be higher considering I witnessed him beating up on Rutgers the last couple seasons, but too tall guys with inconsistent college careers in weak college conferences scare me.  But his BK-o-Meter keeps him in the Top 10.

11. Sean Canfield, Oregon State

Like a Derek Anderson, Canfield will never be a regular starter in the NFL but could be a spark guy off the bench and his DDI is higher than expected.

12. Levi Brown, Troy

In my opinion, while the BK-o-Meter reeks of Hillman and Skelton, I think Levi is your better (but still not all that likely to succeed) small college QB developmental pick in 2010.

BK’S LUCKY NUMBER 13

Armanti Edwards, Appalachian State

Like BK, undersized and underestimated. Unlike BK, successful in college with two national titles to his name.  But his ability to potentially find a home as a hybrid WR/Wildcat QB/slash emergency 3rd stringer make his BK-O-Meter soar.

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