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I often times will eschew starting off my annual draft coverage with a Mock Draft because I feel I need to more fully analyze the positions so that my loyal readership will have a thorough understanding of why their team is wasting a pick on Devon Still.

Because if nothing else, my thousands of blog and twitter followers know one thing – this is the only blog on the entire World Wide Web to get all the key information you need to know.  Justin Blackmon plays the drums…Joe Haluhuni’s nickname is “The Tank”…Michael Smith has 5 sisters…Eddie Pleasant was once less than satisfied after receiving a double chai latte (instead of a Cafe Americano) at the Eugene Starbucks on campus and that Nigel Bradham once killed an alligator with his bare hands, skinned and fried it over an open flame, in the process saving (and feeding) a family of four from Illinois who were vacationing in the Everglades.  On the down side, he has high-hips.

But as always, the draft has snuck up on me the way Helen Hunt sneaked into America’s heart shortly after the debut episode of “Mad About You.” With an obnoxious voice and a penchant to overact in lieu of true comedy chops.  But like Paul Reiser, that won’t stop me from having a solid 10 year run (if not more).

So I’ll piece together what I can in the coming days but here’s the 1,238,302th mock draft of 2012 – but this is the only one that counts…as well as Gil Brandt’s but very few people listen to NFL Radio.

1. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford.
Can Indy get Lucky twice with Peyton 2.0? As long as rumors of crystal meth addiction are nothing more than vicious slander from this site, the answer is probably so.

2. WASHINGTON REDSKINS – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
Hard not to like this Baylor graduate, but Cam Newton’s success could make expectations unrealistic and going to the dysfunctional Redskins isn’t likely to help much.

3. MINNESOTA VIKINGS – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
Rumors of the Vikings trading this pick likely won’t come true because it’s the Vikings and they have a hard enough time drafting players on time little pull off a trade.  Listen, forget the 30 reps or projected LT stalwart status – he blocked 5 kicks in college!  That’s just 5 more than BK blocked shots during his barnstorming summer basketball tour of ’93.

4. CLEVELAND BROWNS – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Cleveland won’t draft Ryan Tannehill here for no particular reason other than the fact that Michael Holmgrem just won’t.  While it’s not hard to see Richardson as effective in the NFL with flashes, it’s harder to see him as a superstar in the show.  I thought it was right when initially he was projected between 15-20.  But as his draft status grows it seems like he may be overdrafted.

5. TAMPA BAY BUCANEERS – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Even if Cleveland doesn’t draft Richardson, I think Tampa Bay goes CB.  They have no corners left…Ronde Barber’s may go to safety and Aqib Talib is in prison.  But on the plus side, he’ll probably be able to finish his degree now.  So what if Claiborne scored a 5 on his wunderlik.  What do you expect from a General Studies major at Louisiana State.  What classes could that possibly consist of?  I’m assuming ball-room dance, a work-study at the Marine Biology lab, and a couple pass/fail Gerontology classes.  Rick Perry just got a 3 on his wunderlik and look at how well he’s done in life.  My bigger concern would be that he’s good but won’t be a shut-down corner in the NFL.

6. ST. LOUIS RAMS – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahome State
Recent hubalub has the Rams passing on Blackmon and going with MSU’s Fletcher Cox, but the recent signing of Kendall Lawford and Trevor Laws makes me think that the Rams are going Blackmon so he can give Sam Bradford a sleek target to underthrow.  Blackmon has silly-talent.  The two-time Belitnikoff winner got into a minor scrub off-the-field recently but as soon as he realizes that Dez Bryant is a clown that he needs not to emulate, he should be just fine.

7. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
It’s just possible that if ownership was crazy enough to try and trade for Tim Tebow, maybe they’d draft Ryan Tannehill.  But they already invested into one 1-year starter that didn’t pan out in Blaine Gabbert, they couldn’t possibly go for another two-years in a row, could they?  It’d be great theater if they did, but instead I think you have to try and do the best you can to give Gabbert as much assistance as possible.  He was so girly in the pocket last year and with Michael Floyd too big a risk why not grab the big oaf from Iowa City.  Sure with short 33″ arms you’d like to think the Rilester could do more than 23 reps but he comes from an offensive line factory that if nothing else means he could settle into right tackle spot.  Even if he’s mediocre that makes him much better protection than incumbent Guy Whimper can provide.

8. MIAMI DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
There’s a part of me that feels the Dolphins aren’t on the Tannehill bandwagon and if that’s true than maybe they take a chance on Michael Floyd here and hope either Matt Moore or David Garrard can find him.  Or they ignore their offensive needs and go with talent in Melvin Ingram or Quinton Coples.  But I imagine if he’s around the Fins have no choice.  It is CRAZY that Tannehill is going in the first round at all, little Top 10.  It’s not that he’s an ex-receiver (BK was once a waiter before mastering the cliche’s of reality TV) it’s that he wasn’t that efficient in a pass-happy conference.  He strikes me as a classic combine/workout wonder that will struggle when in a game at this level.  Like my disappointment after sleeping with Megan Fox.  I should have just ignored the peer pressure and hid the sock with Tilda Swinton again.

9. CAROLINA PANTHERS – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State
Christmas comes early for Ron Rivera, if not Cam Newton, as this non-graduate from the academic powerhouse that isn’t Mississippi State arrives in Charlotte.  My feeling is that Cox still has room to grow – physically and as a player.  If he does, he could be that rare combination of stability and play-making ability on the inside.

10. BUFFALO BILLS – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
There’s a lot of different directions Buffalo can go in, but with owner Ralph Wilson close to passing to the other side, the Bills will take some chances.  This usually doesn’t turn out well – like when dying Washington Wizard owner Abe Pollan said he was all in and GM Ernie Grunweld interpreted that to mean he should trade a 1st round draft pick for Randy Foye.  That’s like trying to make a name at your senior prom by bringing Dahlia Denyle.  Either get Amia Miley or stay the course.  Like Denyle’s crippling addiction to opiates, the talented Floyd is an unfulfilled problem waiting for jail.  Here’s the thing: WR’s are a moody, whiny, self-important lot.  One drunken incident is “immaturity”; three is “stupidity”. Floyd also lacks explosiveness – like an alcoholic Vincent Jackson. On the plus side, if his football career doesn’t work out there is a crying need in Buffalo for Sociologists, which luckily enough for Michael is what he majored in.

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11. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
The Chiefs have sort of become to the NFL what “Castle” is to prime-time network TV.  Neither is particularly interesting but the Chiefs seem to manage to be moderately competitive and “Castle” brings in enough of a rating to hang around.  However, at least the Chiefs made some progress in the off-season…”Castle” is a lost cause.  Theoretically, the one glaring hole right now is Nose Tackle, which neither Brockers nor the other possible pick, Donateri Poe from Memphis, is and you could make a claim that Poe projects better in that role.  Poe was a combine superstar.  His 44 reps forced BK to change his pants, and the 4.56 20-yd shuttle and 4.98 40-dash are pretty sweet too.  But Poe was not a performer in college against mid-level competition.  Brockers was also inconsistent and didn’t lift at the combine but he had his moments at LSU and really only played one-year before leaving LSU early (although he only attended 2 General Studies classes while in Baton Rouge and one was a work-study mowing Les Miles’ lawn).  Romeo Crennel likes to think of himself as a guru of two things – Defense and Jelly Donuts.  And Brockers is really good at eating jelly donuts.  His ceiling seems much higher than Poe and my guess is KC takes the plunge.

12. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – Melvin Ingram, OLB, South Carolina
The so-called “experts” feel that the Seahawks have to get a pass-rushing defensive end and if Quentin Coples from UNC is still here Pete Carroll and friends will be tempted to jump on the full-of-potential “Q”.  In addition, Melvin Ingram was surprisingly un-impactful in the Senior Bowl.  But Ingram is coming off a much better senior-season against generally tougher competition than Coples (10 Sacks, 15 Tackles for a loss) and since he can play both end and OLB (where Seattle is playing Leroy Hill on far too many downs) Ingram seemingly makes a better pick.  With all of that said, I actually like USC’s Nick Perry in the long-run better than Coples or Ingram – who despite all his skill sometimes relys too much on the same moves figuring his skills will overcome work – like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Pirate Radio. But Perry would be considered a reach at 12 and if Carroll drafts a USC guy and it doesn’t work out everyone’s is going to make fun of him and it could shatter Carroll’s fragile sense of self.

13. ARIZONA CARDINALS – Luke Kuechly, ILB, Boston College
Many times, BK has had his heart-broken.  Going to the Senior Prom with Kristen Gallagher; Not Having “Floatation Marks” accepted to the SlamDance film festival; Dave Meggett being accused of sexual misconduct; Esera Tuaolo not being accused of sexual misconduct; Jerrel Jernigan.  But the Cardinals drafting the tackle machine that is the middle son of Eileen and Tom Kuechly may top them all.  For the past 3 months BK has been furiously trying to contact Jerry Reese and offer a variety of packages the Giants could offer to trade up for the Kook so his 4.58 40-dash, 27 reps and 6.92 3-cone could find a home in Met Life Stadium.  But all that resulted in is (another) restraining order for BK and the Cardinals deciding to resist the temptation to draft Coples, Stanford OG David DeCastro, or Baylor wideout Kendall Wright and instead settle in on the former high-school Lacrosse player.  I can’t say I’m as high on Kuechly as he looks more like a solid pro than redefining force in the middle and I’m not sure ‘bama’s Donte Highsmith doesn’t have the potential (key word “potential”) to become a better player.  But with that said, Luke grades out as the highest linebacker in the draft and won’t slip further than this.

14. DALLAS COWBOYS – Quentin Coples, DE, North Carolina

Alabama corner Dre Kirkpatrick or Stanford’s DeCastro make more sense, but Jerry Jones will be entranced by Coples’ skills the same way he was entranced by Algerian stripper “Sterling” at Baby Dolls back in ’98 which is what led to his atrocious plastic surgery.  Plus, the Cowboys can’t beat the Giants so they’ll probably figure why not join ’em and in Coples he probably sees a Jason Pierre-Paul like talent.  Too bad Jason Pierre-Paul knows nothing but work while Cople’s will know nothing but the fact that Baby Doll’s has all-night 2-for-1 dance specials on Tuesdays.  Some notes on Coples – he had 2.5 less sacks his Senior Season than Junior year and refused to switched to DT from DE because he felt increasing his draft stock was more important than making the team better.  Than again, moving him to DT was a pretty stupid idea.  So is the Cowboys drafting Coples but Jerry Jones is the dumbest Owner-cum-GM in the league (although he’s also the smartest but that’s just a technicality).

15. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – Mark Barron, SS, Alabama
Lots of different ways these lost souls in the lost city of cheese steaks and misery could go. Kirkpatrick and DeCastro might be the best players on the board at this point and you could justify those picks and Poe could go here too.  But I think the Eagles go more immediate need and unless they think big Bulldog Kordy Glenn projects as an OLT (which he did play surprisingly well in the Senior Bowl) I think they go with Barron who’s far less of a reach at 15.  There were some questions about his athleticism and the hernia surgery he had in the off-season that prevented him from working out at the combines didn’t help.  In addition, there’s some thought that Barron’s skill sets make him uniquely “unqualified” to play the modern day strong-safety position which often times requires covering slot receivers.  Thus he’s just the kind of misguided, silly pick the Eagles would make.

16. NEW YORK JETS –  Courtney Upshaw, DE, Alabama
Well the Jets are just an abortion waiting to happen in 2012, huh?  Which makes it ironic they traded for Tim Tebow.  And considering that offense was their biggest problem, drafting a good ROT like Kordy Glenn or a wide-receiver who isn’t a complete asshole such as Kendall Wright would make a lot of sense.  But since this is likely to be Rex Ryan’s last year after the Jets limp home to a 3-13 finish, my guess is he tries to go with what he knows best and drafts defense.  Not a bad choice in Upshaw, who disappointed me in  ‘bama’s first meeting against LSU but than emerged necessarily in the national championship game.  His 8.5 sacks is impressive for how UA played defense and for that conference although at times I questioned exactly what his physicals were as all he did at the combines was an average 22 reps.  But he ran well at his Pro-Day and he strikes me as an end who occasionally stands in pass-rushing situations.  None of this matters though.  Even if Upshaw turns into a player, the Jets are cooked.

17. CINCINNATI BENGALS – Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
The temptation to go with Dre’ Kirkpatrick will be great for Mike Brown.  But I’m just going to assume their draft board is all jacked up anyway so the choice will be between two players to improve an offense that needs some improvement – DeCastro vs. Wright.  Current Bengal receiver Jerome Simpson was arrested for drug possession this off-season which could mean they go with DeCastro as Cincy usually looks at such transgressions as a positive.  But Andy Dalton went to a school in Texas and Wright went to a school in Texas and and if Wright can combine with last year’s #1 A.J. Green than it’s possible the Bengals could have a lethal tandem.  Wright lit it up as RGIII’s favorite target last  year catching over 100 balls for over 1500 yards and 13 TD’s and his sub 4.5 40’s at his Pro Day also seems to have set scouts at ease after this drowsy 4.61 the combines.  I like Wright and think he’ll make  an impact and I’m always 100% correct on my wide receiver predictions.

18. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – David DeCastro, OG, Standford.
San Diego really has needs on the offensive line and there are two players from Stanford in Jonathan Martin and David DeCastro who could both play immediately.  But pass defense was pitiful for the Chargers too last year meaning that Nick Perry or Marcellius Whitney will be tempting in an attempt to provide a pass rush and Kirkpatrick is a possibility here too.  Ultimately, though, DeCastro will rate as the best player on the board even if he does play a less “impact” position than the others.  So the sharp-minded DeCastro will bring his deft trapping and 34 reps to QualComm where he should help add anywhere from 0.1 to 0.11 yards a carry for Ryan Mathews.

19. CHICAGO BEARS – Johnathan Martin, OT, Stanford.
Chicago has to finally do something about that offensive line, don’t they?  You could justify a guard or tackle here, which makes me think Kordy Glenn is your safest pick and I think he’s a better player than Martin.  But again if you don’t buy Glenn as a LT and if you have a QB who’s ended his last two seasons on the sidelines with an injury than you have to go LT if you think Martin is comparable to Glenn.  The Brainiac from North Hollywood went to Harvard-Westlake in L.A. I once tutored a kid from Harvard-Westlake in Math. He got a 1580 on the SAT’s.  In a similar vein, Johnathan Martin did a womanly 20 reps at the combines but he has a complete understanding of how invisible numbers work.

20. TENNESSEE TITANS – Nick Perry, DE, USC
The Titans are a funny team.  And by funny, I mean boring.  They don’t really have any blatant holes but they don’t have any outstanding strengths either with the possible exceptions of Wide Receiver and Running Back if Kenny Britt and Chris Johnson both bounce back.  Kind of like U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.  Before the signing of Steve Hutchinson, I would have put Kordy Glenn in this spot but now I think they go for pass rush and since they need defensive lineman more than OLB’s, I say the pick here is Perry over Whitney (as well as raw to the touch Andre Branch from Clemson).  Perry’s got some real upside if in the right environment.  He’d be great with the Giants – we’ll see if Tennessee knows how to use the man who as a junior in 2011 led the Pac-10 in sacks with a half over 9.  Then again, the Pac-10 kinda blew last year.  Still, he did a 38.5 vert.  38.5!  I haven’t seen that kind of explosion since BK’s lost his virginity to a Hong Kong hooker back in ’96.

21. CINCINNATI BENGAS – Kordy Glenn, OG, Georgia
Kordy Glenn was THE BEST Offensive Lineman at this year’s Senior Bowl.  Now that doesn’t mean he’s the best OL in the draft but it was an eye-opener and probably moved the guy up from an early 2 to someone who could get drafted in the Top 20.   The Bengals could go DeCastro at 17 and likely still get Wright at 21 but again that Bengals draft room will start to get confused sometime shortly after the 2nd pick.  Glenn wasn’t great at the combines, but I can live with his 31 reps and his 5-flat 20-shut is fine for a guard, which is where he will play with the Natti. The winner of the Green-Sands Football Scholarship shows he’s got a head on his shoulders (even though I have no ideawhat the Green-Sands Football Scholarship is) and his 50-starts shows durability (and possibly early onset dementia).  Still, my guess is Glenn and DeCastro both will make bigger impacts as guards this year than any OT other than Kalil will.

22. CLEVELAND – Dre’ Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
There are three (3) ways to look at the Browns 2nd pick in the First Round.  They could continue to try to give Colt McCoy’s offensive toys (can you say “Stephen Hill”…neither can I) or at least protection to spare him another ‘cussion (maybe that pot head Mike Adams?).  They could also go defense and corner is a need.  The third way to look at this is that Cleveland is a dying city with an overrated President in Mike Holmgrem and they haven’t yet paid the devil back for all of those Otto Graham championships back in the ’50’s.  I’m not as high on the cock-sure Kirkpatrick and his misleading Irish name.  How hard is it to be a shut-down corner in a conference where half the teams grind the ball out in boring option attacks?  Heck, even BK managed to be a shut-down corner in the Holmdel Park touch football game in ’90 because QB Shawn Esposito wouldn’t pass.  Who could blame him, with those steel-toed boots he was wearing.  But Patty Kirkpatrick ran a respectable 4.51 40 at the combines with the requisite amount of burst on the vert and he probably will be the highest rated player on the board at this point so the Browns will sort of half to take him.

23. DETROIT LIONS – Peter Konz, C, Wisconsin
Detroit was one of those rare “fashionable” pre-season picks last year that actually came through, with their first playoff appearance since the James K. Polk administration and watching them play was almost as exciting as the firebrand Polk, best known for bad skin and being infertile.  Tackle is the obvious need here, and before his trip to Coachella, I might have leaned towards Ohio State behemoth Mike Adams.  They could also go with the CB Stephen Gilmore, who might be the highest rated player on the board but that would be B-O-R-I-N-G.  So, I think the choice is between the speedy Stephen Hill (that’s right – another big-time weapon for Matty Staff) or Peter Konz.  And I say the statement that will be screamed throughout Detroit, other than “Put that gun down” will be “Why not Konz?” This communication arts Badger would be a sure first rounder if it wasn’t for a series of injury issues – blood clots, dislocated ankles, depression after the final season of “The Wire.” But take that away, and the Konzinator has first round talent and quite frankly Stafford-on-Avon needs a better ass then aging Dominic Raiola to stick his precious hands under.

24. PITTSBURGH STEELERS – Whitney Mercilius, OLB, Illinois
The obvious answer is Offensive Line.  But Mike Adams’ indiscretions may make him undraftable in the first.  I also think a bunch of different running backs (Martin, Wilson, Miller) could be justified and certainly the Memphis workout wunderkind Dontari Poe would make all sorts of sense from a need standpoint with elderly Casey Hampton coming off ACL surgery and already laying down an initial downpayment on a CCRC in Lebanon.  Yet Whitney is rising faster than BK after a trip to a Tijuana strip brothel  and with the Steelers linebackers aging quicker than the Trader Joe’s 100% Whole Grain bread mixed with flax seed and A1 that I bought 3 weeks ago, my instinct tells me if he’s on the board Coach T won’t be able to pass on him.  He seemingly came out of nowhere to record 16 sacks in the Big Ten as a junior and his Haitian heritage will have some comparing him to Hall-of-Fame shoe-in Jason Pierre-Paul.  His 4.38 shut wasn’t anything to sneeze about either and don’t overlook that he kept on the straight in narrow by getting a 3.0 G.P.A. in high-school while under the ever watchful eye of coach Bob Sax.  I only achieved a 2.8 under the less than watchful eye of Ed Reckage but I did do the short shut in 4.12.

25. DENVER BRONCOS – Doug Martin, RB, Boise State
Picking higher ranked players like Poe or Gilmore might make more sense and certainly would fill some needs.  But you don’t hoist your team’s future on the crippling neck of a 35-year-old quarterback and not give him toys to play with.  Sure, Peyton negotiated an all you can visit pass at Kitty’s East on Colfax when he signed with the Broncos and his commercials with Elway promoting Ford Broncos should be HEE-friggin-LARIOUS.  But I think the Broncos are too tempted by the college Bronco Martin.  There is seemingly nothing the Muscle Hamster can’t do.  In college, he was an effective runner, receiver, blocker and returner and showed all of those skills at the Senior Bowl.  Then at the combines, he shined, clocking in a 4.55 40 (an unofficially a 4.46), bursting 35″ on the Vert and a RB impressive 28 reps.  So with so much defensive talent on the board, I think Denver goes “O”.

26. HOUSTON TEXANS – Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech
Stephen Hill is hot.  I mean red-hot.  Frank’s Red Hot Sauce Hot.  And not just because he burned his hand while heating up a cup of Yerba Mate tea infused with Mint this morning.  The 6-4, 215lbs. Hill only caught 28 balls in Georgia Tech’s run-oriented offense (albeit for over 800 yards) and receivers who can block downfield don’t usually create good YouTube fodder.  But Hill was one of the stars in Indy, clocking in  a white-hot 4.36, exploding a 39.5″ vert and stretching himself to a 133″ broad.  In fact, his long jump at the combines was so good it would have placed him 9th at the Olympic Games.  NINTH!  Not even Victor Cruz could do that.  Well, wait, Victor Cruz can do anything but why bother, with his off-season apparel company that he operates out of his apartment doing so well.  Hill seems like a good teammate too, but BK is sour on him.  “Won’t pan out,” screeches BK while munching on a Chicken Breast sandwich smeared with Gu on a Kaiser Roll. “You can’t just suddenly become a player.” But I say – SI SE PUEDE – which I believe translates to “Give Barack Obama money” but I’m not sure.  I like Hill and think he’ll become Matt Schaub’s 3rd favorite receiver up until Schaub gets hurt and is lost for the season in Week 4.

27. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – Stephen Gilmore, CB, South Carolina
Like Whitney and Hill, Gilmore is climbing fast and BK predicts a Top 10 selection. But BK also picked a win for Voila Davis as Best Actress at last year’s Oscar’s, but that was primarily to piss off his mom.  Still, this seems like a gift for Belichek and the boys if he somehow does last to this position.  Gilmore’s 4.4-40 was only outshined at the combines by sub 4.00 20-shut.  He’s considered to be a smart kid who understands the defensive side of the football like a coach, but then again he played for Steve Spurrier so that’s not a high hurdle to leap.  Honestly, the odds of Gilmore slipping behind Kirkpatrick or lasting until the late first seem highly unlikely but I’m not re-doing my draft board so let’s just leave him here and move on.

28. GREEN BAY PACKERS – Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse
While I think the Pack may be tempted to draft a Running Back, there’s enough post-Richardson depth that’s likely to be around in the Late 2nd that they have to do something to improve that pourous D and creating a pass rush would be a good place to start.  At this point, it would seemingly be a choice between Clemson’s Andre Branch and the ‘cuse’s Jones. There’s  a  lot to like about Jones, including his 35″ wingspan paired with a black-belt in martial arts and the fact that his brother is a fighter in the UFC.  There’s also reason to be cautious, coming off a knee injury and being less dominant than one would expect playing in the Big East.  Still, if Jones has his health than this pick could be stealth.

29. BALTIMORE RAVENS – Vinny Curry, DE, Marshall
Vinny Curry has “Raven” written all over him.  His sister Shawanda was an avid Poe fan and had it plastered to his left ass cheek – against father Vinny, Sr. wishes I might add – when he was just 7.  Curry projected to be a 2nd rounder and a wrist injury seemed to seal that fate heading into the combines.  But a fantastic Pro Day highlighted by a sub-4.7 40-dash and the fact that he was an impact player in the MAC make him a high 2nd rounder at worst.  And the fact that he’s considered a leader and, similarly to Gilmore, a defensive-savant make him a perfect fit as a late-round steal for a team that breathes D.

30. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – Kevin Zeitler, OG, Wisconsin
Although I think it’s possible if DeCastro slips, the 49ers could try to make a trade up for him, the more likely selection is Zeitler.  In fact, this seems to be the most likely to occur pick after Luck and RG3.  The big Zeit’s is no speed demon and a little slow on quickness too but who cares, he’s a guard.  The 3-year starter weight in at over 3 bills and had 142 knockdown blocks – which is indicative of nothing.  However his 32 reps is borderline Petrus-like and there’s no reason not to believe he won’t be perfectly adequate – just like the San Francsico Museum of Art, the San Francisco Giants and the San Francsico Airport.  Actually, I’m lying – that airport is not acceptable – delays every morning.

31. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – Donteri Poe, DT, Memphis
With two picks, New England probably trades this one.  They could also go with a Running Back like Lamar Miller out of Miami who seems like just the sort of project that gets Bill Belichek to go all Bonnie Bernstein on you.  And Branch could fit here too.  But if Poe is on the board, that’s a lot of talent for the Pats to pass on and playing behind Vince Wilfork for a year is just the kind of apprenticeship he needs so Belichek can trade or cut Wilfork in 2013.  The stats on Poe at Memphis (where he left as a junior) were okay as he played significant snaps all 3 years.  However, it was his combine results – including a sub 5.0 40-dash and an absolutely Chris Lee-like 44 reps that catapulted the 346-lbs. Poe into the first round.  However, his stock seems to be slipping a bit as many wonder if he has an NFL motor although he’ll no doubt buy a souped-up pick-up with his signing bonus.  He likely goes earlier than this – but there’s no way he goes later.

32. NEW YORK GIANTS – Dont’a Hightower, ILB, Alabama
So many ways the Giants could go here…TE Cody Fleener from Stanford, DT Jenel Worthy from Michigan State, DT Kendell Reyes from UConn, RB Robert Wilson from Virginia Tech.  Even Mike Adams if he hasn’t completely blown it.  But I think the Giants go with Hightower.  The re-signing of Chase Blackburn means he doesn’t have to start right away and he has big-time potential and projects as a MLB.  He was ‘bama’s best defensive player in the first LSU meeting while playing his role in ‘bama’s inspired National Championship romp.  He’s fast, strong and plays big.  I like this pick for the G-Men.

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T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times used to (and I assume still does) have these page 2 columns where he would just write random one or (if he was feeling particularly literary that day) 2 lines on some current – or close to current – sports topic of the day.  Simers is a snarky guy who is under a 30-year delusion that local professional athletes care about him, so often times his columns would read something along the lines of “Eric Gagne apparently didn’t like my last article.  Perhaps he was going through roid rage at the time…So Kobe Bryant is accused of rape.  Couldn’t of happened to a nicer guy…Slot machines at Hollywood Park?  I’m more interested in the glue machines…” Before we go any further, yes I am accusing someone else of being snarky and I don’t find that the least bit ironic – unless you’re using the Alanis Morisette definition of the word.

I think the most famous of these laziest of lazy-type columns come from Larry King, who may or may not still have a syndicated column.  But unlike Simers, who like the comedians I used to sit with in the green room at The Comedy Store walk around with a constant impending aura of doom, King is positively Henry Winkler-like in his optimism.  Even his attempts at biting political commentary came off as…toothless.  Columns would read such as “Don’t sleep on Walter Mondale.  He’ll be President one day and you can say you heard it here first…My latest child is 49 years younger than my oldest. You know what they say…Senator Rockefeller has a food stamp reform bill in committee now. I once had duck with him and his lovely wife.  She’s a fine woman and a better cook.  So I fucked her….”

These columns really are the worst of the worst. In the case of someone like Simers, he’s almost flaunting his apathy whereas King actually seems to believe he’s accomplishing a journalistic achievement that combines Dave Barry, Molly Ivins and a sober Jimmy Breslin.  I don’t know which is worse, but I can’t respect any writer, blogger, or journalist who would engage in such nonsense.  Which is exactly why this blog entry will be my version of those columns.  Except, as my loyal readers know, I’m far too verbose to cut down my thoughts to just a few lines.  Still, since I’m obviously far too lazy this Sunday evening to form full thoughts, I’m hoping these half-thoughts will create something of a readable experience.  Let’s find out, shall we…

Let’s start off with the topic that has America talking…San Diego State Athletics.  Let’s give it up for Steve Fisher and his 7-1 SDSU Aztecs.  Sure they hit a road block during ESPN’s 24-hours of madness against a too-big to defend Baylor team, but their win versus ranked Arizona flanked by victories against two good Big West teams – Long Beach State and the Drinking Gauches of UC Santa Barbara – means SDSU should be sneaking into the Top 25 any moment now.  Last year’s lone returning starter – Chase Tapley – is lighting it up like Richard Pryor in ’82.  Super-talented Jamal Franklin will likely emerge as the 2012-13 Mountain West player of the year (if the Mountain West actually still exists in 2012-13), and James Rahon hasn’t even found his sweet caucasian stroke yet.  The Aztecs have 3 tough games left against ranked Creighton and revenge-minded Cal plus cross-town rivals USD before going into the easy part of the schedule for 2 weeks and then its conference play beginning in mid-January.  Yes, they are very thin in the front court so my conservative prediction for the fighting Aztecs…29-1.

Meanwhile, Rocky Long’s first year in Aztec Mesa has gone okay.  That Wyoming loss stings and quite frankly it would have been nice if we didn’t hand games over to TCU and Boise State before they really even began, but with their win over lowly UNLV Saturday night, the Aztecs are 7-4 and bowl bound regardless of their on-again, off-again rivalry game with Fresno State this Saturday.  I’d like to go to that game at Qualcomm, but unfortunately I’ll be at the Mint for Elisa Grace’s Album release party.  Who’s Elisa Grace…you jest?

I’m not going to talk about the BCS mess because my next blog this week will specifically address that issue.  But I will comment on the Heisman Trophy race which is the most wide-open competition going in America today, easily beating out the race to become the 2012 presidential nominee for the Republican party because that contest is being brought down by Michele Bachman…and Rick Santourum…and Ron Paul…and Herman Cain…and Rick Perry…and Newt Gingrich…and Mitt Romney. Did I forget anyone? Is Huntsman still in the race? Is Mike Johnson in a debate? Is Buddy Roemer really a Republican? Is Fred Karger really gay?

ESPN did a poll prior to this Saturday’s games which amazingly showed the Tide’s Trent Richardson as the front-runner.  And then some clown on Game Day justified this silliness by stating that Richardson was the only one of the top candidates who “performed” in a game that “counts” referencing his deceiving stats in Alabama’s LOSS to LSU.  How can you name Trent Richardson the best player in college football when he couldn’t help his team get into the endzone once in the most important game of the college football season? Don’t misunderstand me, Richardson is terrific college back and worthy of being in the discussion.  But so is Houston’s pin-wizard QB Case Keenum and he shouldn’t win either.  People seem to penalize Andrew Luck for Stanford getting perducked by Oregon, but why don’t they mention his comeback against USC?  Or Matt Barkley’s performance against Oregon?  Or RGIII’s performance in every game Baylor’s won and lost this year.  I simply ask you this.  If Matt Barkely, Andrew Luck or Robert Griffin III was the QB for Alabama against LSU (and Trent Richardson wasn’t there), do the Crimson Tide win that game?  The answer is ABSA-FRIGGIN-GOOGILY-GOO-GOO-LUTELY…to the 3rd power.  Word.  To Your Baby Daddy.  Yuh-Huh.

If Trent Richardson is on USC but not Barkley do they still beat Oregon (or come out on top against Stanford)?  If Richardson is on Stanford instead of Luck, would the Cardinal have beaten Oregon (or still beaten SC)? Does Baylor even have a winning record this year if Richardson is their marquee player instead of Bobby Triple G?  The answer to all of those questions is NO.  Or, for my Guatemalan readers – NO.

I’m well aware quarterbacks are different than running backs, but you want to know something: I saw players like George Rogers at South Carolina and Barry Sanders at Oklahoma State and those guys carried their football squads in a way that Trent Richardson simply doesn’t carry ‘Bama.  If Richardson wins it’ll be a bigger travesty than when Charles Woodson beat out Peyton Manning in ’97; a bigger joke than when Crash won the best picture over the gay cowboy movie; a bigger crime than when Ian Folke Svenonius beat BK out for Sassiest Boy in America in 1990 just because he refused to use capital letters.  All that joker has done since is release 15 albums, a scant 15 more than BK has released in the same period of time.  But BK has used his time to edited shows about fashion while making questionable real estate investments in Los Angeles area condos – so who’s sassy now Svenonius?!?  You Fuckin’ tool.

Back to whatever it was I was writing about,  I’m not making a judgment on Richardson’s as a player (he’s very good), or as a person (although he used far too many “hey man’s, no man, yeah man” in his Dan Patrick interview).  For all I know he’ll enter the NFL and break Emmitt Smith’s all-time rushing record. Well actually I do know – he won’t break that record and as my past NFL Draft predictions have proven I’ve only been wrong once before (why Ethan Horton, couldn’t you learn to lower your shoulders!)  But if Barkley and Luck end up splitting the West Coast vote and Baylor’s lack of national exposure results in Richardson winning this year’s Heisman…well frankly that would really suck.

Roger Federer was great in this week’s Barclay’s Championships in London.  He didn’t lose a match and was clearly the best player on the court in every match he played – even the two 3-setters against Jo-Willie Tsonga, who looks poised to possibly join Andy Murray in 2012 in the “Almost but never quite good enough” category of player that Robin Soderling looked ready to join before injuries and an uninventive game derailed his hopes.  What was more interesting, though, was how tired both Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic looked.  Nadal just looks so dejected these days after going through a season where he was completely unable to get over on Djokovic and each match they played he seemed farther away.  I’m calling my shot right now – Argentina, behind a surpise Juan Monaco victory over David Ferrer – will win this year’s Davis Cup against Spain as Del Potro beats Nadal in a thrilling final match.  And if it doesn’t happen, well who’s really going to be watching or care enough anyway.  As for Novak, how does he lose to his inferior countryman Janko “I’ve never seen a match I couldn’t possibly quit in” Tipsarsvic.  Obviously Djokovic’s shoulder isn’t 100% or even 85% but I thought more than anything he looked mentally exhaused, like he was sort of obligated to be in the tournament but didn’t really have the heart for it.  It’s kind of a shame because it would have been nice for him to complete one of the most dominant season’s in tennis history with a victory but I think his gas tank sort of hit empty after the U.S. Open and hopefully the one-and-a-half month rest prior to Australia will not just rest his shoulder but also his psyche.  And speaking of psyche, how hot is Tomas Berdych’s wife or girlfriend or whatever she is.  I don’t know what that has to with any definition of the word “psyche” but she’s sweeter than Popeye’s Sweet Tea on the front porch of a Bulgarian Tug Boat.  Finally, I’m calling another shot – Roger Federer will win the 2012 Australian Open.  And here’s another shot I’m calling…Alex Bogomolov, Jr. will not win the 2012 Australian Open.

The NBA is about to end their lockout and start playing on Christmas Day.  They were going to start 5 days earlier on the first night of Hannukah, but that would prove to be just too controversial.  My wife asked me, upon hearing the news “Oh, so they went with the 50-50 split” of which I replied “Who the fuck cares.” Still, that’s some shrewd negotiating by the player’s union.  They not only agreed to exactly what they didn’t want, but they lost 2 months of pay to boot. I haven’t seen smooth deal making like that since Barak Obama agreed to a series of budget cuts he didn’t really want in exchange for raising the debt ceiling – or in other words absolutely nothing.  We’ll talk more about the NBA in a future blog but that 16 days from 12/9 to 12/25 when free-agents can be signed and trades made will make the NFL free-agent frenzy look as calm as Bill Murray in Broken Flowers…or Lost In Translation…or Low Down…or….

So Monday night’s Sing-Off is a fait accompli as Penatonix will easily walk away against the over-matched Darmouth Aires and the less than original Urban Method.  I was hoping for more this season, including but not limited to a Sara Bareilles/Ben Folds sex tape video release, but instead we were treated to the most dominant performance by a singing group since Ministry shocked the world and overwhelmed the Chili Peppers, Soundgarden and a not-quite-ready for prime-time Pearl Jam at ‘palooza ’92.  Congrats to Penatonix.

And congrats to the New York Giants, who as I write this are a mere 24-hours away from completing a 63-19 white-washing of the New Orleans Saints in the Superdome in a game that will have America saying “Who dat Da’rell Scott.”

Until then, though, Tim Tebow is the story again in the NFL this week – which must irk the Raiders who are a game ahead of the Broncos in the AFC West.  I almost feel bad blogging about Tebow because it’s just too easy.  Saying negative things about Tebow is as sure a way to get my click-throughts up as when Joanna Angel tweets “I got DP’d again and here are more pics.” But how long can I criticize the burly Born-Again Christian and how long can Joanna Angel stay popular by insisting James Deen be in every scene with her?

However, before I talk about the Broncos’ victory in San Diego, how bad have the Chargers become?  If Norv Turner keeps the job he never should have been given in the first place than all the 9/11 conspiracy theorists will abandon that fruitless pursuit and focus their attentions on how the Matt Millen of coaches is still employed (and it can’t just be because he’s got a good-looking local sportscaster daughter).

The Chargers looked like they were going to march the ball up and down on the field aganist the Broncos Sunday which would finally give Tebow-haters what they wanted – how could the turkey-armed QB possibly bring his team back if they ever fell behind by more than 10 points and had to abandon their offensive scheme, which seemingly is right out of Army’s 1957 playbook.  But that lasted all of a quarter and then suddenly we were right back to where we were when the Broncos played the Dolphins…and the Chiefs…and the Jets.  The Broncos defense keeps the team in the game (and by the way – just how good is Von Miller), Tebow can’t do anything and Denver punts.  Then, all of the sudden, Willis McGahee and friends suddenly start finding holes created by that once shitty offensive line, unheralded wide-receivers start making diving catches and Tebow starts moving the team down the field.

So since I’ve been so negative towards big Tim – and I still stand by my prediction he’s out of the league 2 years from now (just like I still stand by my prediction that The Blake Babies are the break-through band of 1989) – I will say this.  He’s got great vision and instincts when running, even more so than a guy like Michael Vick who is just so fast and explosive that no one can catch up to him.  I also agree with Phil Simms’ assessment that I don’t think Tebow is so inaccurate (although he is inaccurate) as much as he’s so scared about throwing an interception that he often just gives up and throws the ball away.  Still, as someone who watches a lot of Eli Manning, sometimes not turning the ball over is better than completing 10 passes in a row if the 10th is to the other team.

I thought Tebow played his best game so far in San Diego because after a miserable 1st quarter, he looked okay throwing the ball and stood in the pocket.  Even though he only averaged 3 yards a carry, the way he runs the option makes those runs effective.  “They” used to say that the option couldn’t work in the NFL because A) athletes were too good in the NFL and they’d be able to stop it and B) quarterbacks would get hit too much.  The latter might be true, Tebow gets hit a lot and he’s an unusually big guy for a quarterback.  It is hard to imagine how Tommie Frazier or Scott Frost could take that much pounding and perhaps over time Tebow won’t be able to either.   Still, Tebow’s moderate level of success makes one wonder if NFL teams have just been flat-out wrong-headed by not considering option-attacks.  The first – and really only time – I recall the option attack being used regularly was a series in a 1987 replacement game between the 49ers and the woeful replacement players that made up the New York Giants that year.  The fake 49ers blew away the fake Giants and at one point, Bill Walsh plugged in QB Tony Stevens who ran an option attack that marched the 49ers down the field.  Walsh looked over at Bill Parcells and they both laughed.  Not just at the absurdity of replacement games but of the fact that the option was being run.  “Only in a BS game like this,” you could imagine them both thinking “could you get away with that college bullshit.”

Yet when you look at Tebow’s success – along with the mild amount of success Miami had a few years ago with the wildcat formation – is it possible NFL coaches have been missing out all these years?

Oh wait…does completing less than 50% of your passes, not scoring 20 points and beating teams the last 3 weeks with a combined record of 14-19 really qualify as success?  I mean I know San Diego is hurting on the defensive side of the ball, but the actor on Suburgatory who likes like Tim Tebow could have completed passes with the amount of time Timmy was given to throw.

I realize the Chargers didn’t want to be beat off the corner by Tebow the way the Jets were the week before, but did they forget what the Lions did to Tebow…they crushed him in the pocket.  The Broncos have since adjusted their game plan and the Chargers don’t have the Lions front but the lack of pressure Tebow was given was ridiculous.

Listen, Tim Tebow is already a more effective player than I or very many other people thought he would be.  I never hear from Tebow’s rabid fan base after he does poorly – but hear a lot from them when he does well – and we all know that’s lame.  So I won’t wait for Tebow’s next bad game to post an “I told you so” blog.  He’s finding a way to lead his team to a win and even when he’s not moving the ball he’s sort of fun to watch – which I never really thought when I saw him at Florida just because so many of those games were white-washes against the likes of Kentucky and Vanderbilt and watching one college team beat another 50-0 is not fun (if you don’t believe me, ask Rick Neuheisel).   But while Tebow is still a champion of mediocrity on the pro stage, look at the NFL today.  There’s really only one game this year that promises to give Tebow real trouble (New England in Week 14) as the Bears defense (which Denver also faces this year) will feast on him but their anemic offense minus Jay Cutler will likely make that game a carbon copy of the Dolphin and Jet games.  And maybe Tebow could hang in there as a 6-10, 7-9 even 9-7 quarterback in this league and then Bronco fans will really be put to the test.  If he’s awful, you have no choice to get rid of him.  And if he’s great, you have no choice but to keep him.  But how do you handle it when your chosen one leads your team to being merely so-so; to being more or less competitive; to being almost good enough to lose in the first round of the playoffs.  Ask Indiana Pacers fans about being always good enough to challenge for a playoff spot but never good enough to actually win a playoff series.  It’s no fun.  Then again, those poor saps are stuck living in Indianapolis so they’ve asked for a life of misery anway.

BK-O-Meter: With a Pie & Burger pumpkin pie in his gullett and a $4.50 hot dog in his right hand, BK made his first NFL Draft notes of the year. “I like this Mike Martin from Michigan” beamed a suger-rushed BK. “I saw two plays of the Michigan-Ohio State game and on one of them he looked good.”

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Well, I have run out of time.  With my mock draft due by noon tomorrow, its time to wrap up these final 3 positions in one blog post.  As BK might say, “It’s time to bring in the VO with the CG so let me have some of the PCP.”  Because BK has a very serious substance abuse problem and can get violent.

So without further adieu, let’s give it a roll:

TIGHT ENDS

Tight Ends, which less than a decade ago were basically being relegated to glorified fullbacks (blockers and outlets in the passing game) have re-emerged recently as legitimate pass threats in more offenses than I can shake a stick at.  This is because I don’t currently have a stick.

Perhaps this is a credit to players like Tony Gonzalez, Jeremy Shockey, Todd Heap & Antonio Gates who made offensive coordinators run plays for them.  Drafted Tight Ends have been pretty impressive recently – look at how many are major cogs in their offensive engines and I’m not even including last year’s only 1st round pick Brandon Pettigrew.

2008 – Dustin Keller (1st, Jets); John Carlson (2nd, Seahawks)
2007 – Greg Olson (1st, Bears); Zach Miller (2nd, Raiders); Kevin Boss (5th Giants); Brent Celek (5th, Eagles).
2006 – Vernon Davis (1st, 49ers); Owen Daniels (4th, Texans)

Let’s take a look at this year’s TOP 3 TIGHT ENDS.

Jermaine Gresham, Oklahoma
Probably the only TE going in the first round despite missing all of 2009.  The stove is getting hot around Gresham.  Solid all around physicals, he’s huge and looks healthy.  He’s a top 15 pick if he doesn’t miss his senior season.

Dennis Pitta, BYU
Really impressive combine numbers – I get excited when I see a 4.17 shuttle time.  I also get excited when I see a Hot Dog on a Stick.

Dorin Dickerson, Pittsburgh
A little undersized, but fast at 4.4 in the 40, he can jump through the roof, and a 6.96 3-cone-drill says one thing to me…SEAM PASS!  Granted, he had virtually no production in college and has switched around positions a lot, but I know another feller with a similar name who had a similar beginning – and that guys alright with me.

FULLBACKS

One word.

If you want to make it in this league as a fullback…you need them.  Some nice pumps don’t hurt either.

Don’t believe me, ask Madison Hedgecock.

The next position to re-emerge as relevant in NFL offenses will be fullback.  When was the last time a fullback really had an all-around impact on his team – Roger Craig?  Where have you gone Ron Springs.  Fullbacks are usually asked nowadays to just block.  I mean honestly, when you have to vote for Pro Bowl players do you recognize the name of any of the fullbacks other than an odd player here or there?  Pure fullbacks are less likely to get drafted than a kicker or punter these days and the following TOP 3 FULLBACKS are as likely to go undrafted as they are land a spot in Round 6 or 7.

John Conner, Kentucky
He’s a little graded down because of his 5’11 1/2 height and an injury history, but he’s got a nice variety of skills and would be a worthwhile pick in 6 or 7.  BK-o-Meter likes him too because he’s a little undersized but unlike BK, has crafty footwork.

Rashawn Jackson, Virginia
Along with Connor, the only other FB invited to the combines.  Not a lot to dislike here, not a lot to like.  Probably will get drafted but I wouldn’t spend a pick here just because there’s too much depth at other positions.

Cory Jackson, Maryland
Could be a steal as an UFA because he’s got good overall skills, leadership ability and tough as nails.

KICKERS & PUNTERS

Most teams either like their kicker or believe their as likely to find a kicker as a free-agent as they are to draft one.  And if you do spend a draft pick on a kicker or punter, it’s assumed that at the very least he’s going to have a chance to win a job or you’ve really wasted a pick because you’re not going to stash him away on the practice squad.

No kicker has been drafted above the 5th round since 2006.  In fact, only 5 kickers have been drafted in the first or second round in the last 30 years – the disappointing Mike Nugent (2nd in 2005, Jets); chubby Sebastien Janikowski (1st in 2000, Raiders); iron-man Jason Hansen (2nd in 1992, Lions), Chip Lohmiller (2nd in 1988, Redskins) and the epic bust that was UCLA’s John Lee (2nd in 1986, Cardinals).

Punters are respected even less by NFL executives come draft day.  Since the Saints infamous selection of Russell Erxleben with the 11th overall pick in 1979, only 2 punters have been selected as high as the 2nd round.  The excellent Rohn Stark (2nd in 1982, Colts) and the line-drive kicking Todd Sauerbrun (2nd in 1985, Bears).

Truth is, there doesn’t seem to be a kicker or punter in the 2010 crop of draftees who looks likely to be selected.  East Carolina Punter Matt Dodge seems to have the best chance to make it in the league and even that shot is long.  Bama’s Leigh Tiffin will get invited to a camp somewhere with Ohio State’s Aaron Pettrey the only other kicker even getting any sniff of buzz.

So instead of ranking players who aren’t going to get drafted, let’s hear from Virginia Tech Brent Bowden and his love of guitar.

BK-o-METER

BK is hot on the trail of a kicker and has gone to every pawn shop and soccer game he can find in his search.  His wife CK1 also has the kicker jones.  It’s because they cannot take the inconsistent Lawrence Tynes of the Giants any longer.  “I hate him.  I hate him.  I hate him,” screams CK1 every time I’m over at Villa de Sage to watch a Giants game with her and BK.  “Hey, I’m still in the room,” I respond (ba-dum-bum).   It’s an emotional response equivalent to those at a tea-party gathering threatening Iowa Senator Charles Grassley.  Grassley folded on health care and looks like a pussy but BK and CK1 ain’t folding on a kicker this year.  “Leigh Tiffin, I’ll take him…Matt Bosher, he’s mine.”  BK still felt one of the late round picks Giants GM Jerry Reese flushed down the toilet on DB’s who couldn’t play last year could have been spent on Wisconsin’s Taylor Mehlhaff.  “With a name like Mehlhaff, he has to be good.”  When I mentioned that Mehlhaff was part Scottish too, just like Tynes, BK responded “Hey, I’ve got nothing against the Scots.  I like Scottish eggs…I just wish they wouldn’t put that Dirty Jew Salmon Lox on them.”

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Often times, when you judge offensive interior lineman, comparisons are made with Wrestlers.  The Grapplers.  Not Randy “Macho Man” Savage wrestling.  Not Ric Flair wrestling.

No, we’re talking about those guys in singlets, on mats, stinking of BO and BenGay.  One man, rolling around with another man.  Legs and arms locked in passionate embrace.  We’re talking…Louden Swain.

At least that’s what BK would claim.  Freestyle Wrestlers = Offensive Guards.  Greco Roman Wrestlers = Centers.  What do you think about that Arkansas G Mitch Petrus?  My guess he’s too busy tying the all-time bench press record at the combine to worry about all that wrestling bullshit.

Yeah, BK is always trying to connect some unrelated personal experience to that of high-tech, highly focused draft analysis.  “Oh No, I hurt my back, I need a steel rod put in, whoa is me” (Matt Tennant, Boston College); “Oh No, they didn’t pick me to win a magazine contest because some other kid submitted his entry using no capital letters or punctuation marks, whoa is me” (Joe Asamoah, Illinois); “Oh No, I really thought that Mexican stripper liked me but now she’s with another guy, whoa is me” (Sergio Render, Virginia Tech); “Oh No, the Daily Show didn’t think my clips were funny enough and now I’m stuck waiting tables in Red Bank, whoa is me” (Eric Olsen, Notre Dame); “Oh No, my mom keeps trying to make me purchase real estate in Manalapan but I still think the market’s overpriced, whoa is me” (Vladimir Ducasse, UMass).

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say – enough with the wrestling references BK – why don’t we just watch this video about Idaho’s Mike Iupati and then go to the rankings.

BK-o-METER

It was tough sledding for the University of Minnesota’s Brian Williams after being drafted by the New York Super Bowl Bound Football Giants with the 18th overall pick in the 1989 NFL draft.  At the time it was thought that Williams would supplant the aging Pro Bowler Bart Oats.   Yet in his first 5 seasons in the league Williams, started only 8 games as the Giants basically split time between him and Oates while also occasionally sneaking him in at guard.  And then one Wednesday morning during training camp prior to the 1994 season Brian Williams was told a story.  It was about a spunky, short, prematurely balding high-school wrestler who a few years previously walked onto the mat to face the Brian Shute of New Jersey wrestling – the legendary Catholic Ron Sujohn.  That short spunky wrestler’s first few years in the trenches were as frustrating as Williams’ with the Giants.  Like Williams, he spent time on the bench, he battled injuries, he got action a little bit here and there.  He had been pinned more times than Annabelle Chong and like Chong, he was given no chance to become a respectable member of society.  But one day, in a cramped, humid and sweaty gym, that spunky wrestler rose to the occassion and showed the world that maybe, just maybe, for just this one time, HE TOO could be the star.  And on that night, that spunky wrestler BEAT Ron Sujohn.  And his name…B-K.  Upon hearing that story, Brian Williams would rededicate himself to the sport and emerge as the Giants best offensive lineman and one of the best centers in the league starting 56 games over the next 4 years before injuries derailed his career.  In an ironic twist of fate, BK would end up losing in the first round of the State Tournament that same year and never wrestled again.

TOP 8 CENTERS/GUARDS

Mike Iupati, Idaho
Up until this week, I had Pouncey rated ahead of Iupati but as I take a closer look it’s awfully hard to make that argument.  Iupati can start right now.

Maukrice Pouncey, Florida
The thought is he’s not ready to be an NFL center right now, but he has Pro Bowl skills and at the very least he should be able to slide in and start at guard somewhere.

John Jerry, Ole Miss
This guy’s got bloodlines that make the Manning’s blush.  Two cousins in the league and his brother was drafted first last year.  If he’s there in the late 2nd he’s a good grab.

Jon Asamoah, Illinois
I’ve got no problem with Jon other than the fact that he leaves the “h” out of his first name and he didn’t perform at the combines which makes him a NFWTFDJOATHI on the BK-o-Meter (Non-Factor Who The Fuck Does Jon Asamoah Think He is).

Vladimir Ducasse, UMass
Lots of buzz around this 332 pound glass of Haitian Re-Inforced Concrete.  But he’s as raw as sushi in Nebraska and frankly I like my guards to jump higher than 26 inches.

Shaun Lauvao, Arizona State
I don’t know a lot about Shaun Lauvao, but I do know that the version of the national anthem Demi Lovato sang before a football game last year was TERRIBLE.

J.D. Walton, Baylor
The only other true center on the board who merits a mention.  He muscled an impressive 34 reps at the combine.

Mike Johnson, Alabama
Upon entering UofA, he had a 4.0 GPA and hit it with a 27 on the ACT.  However sometimes intelligence can play against you as he may overthink run blocking schemes and try to redesign them during a play.

BK LUCKY NUMBER 9

Matt Tennant, Boston College

BK is all over Boston College center Matt Tennant because he shows “a UFC-like Intensity” and “knows how to play in a phone booth” which could come in handy for him after he’s cut in practice by whoever nabs him in the 6th round and he needs to apply for a job with AT&T.

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North Dallas Forty.  The Replacements.  Invincible.  Brian’s Song.  Paper Lion.  Heaven Can Wait.  Weapons of Mass Distraction.  Any Given Sunday.

And what did these movies get us?  Nick Nolte as Wide Receiver?

Warren Beatty as a Quarterback?

And a depressing speech from Al Pacino?

What all these movies lack is a real “feel” for football.  A real dramatic version of NFL Films with kick and verve and Hope Sandoval attitude.

That’s right, I’m bringing out the Mazzy Star references.  Because was Mazzy Star a good band?  EH.  And could Jamie Foxx fix a hitch in his throwing motion to make it in the league?  No chance.  And can Gene Hackman pull off a comical performance as a head football coach in a largely forgettable movie?  You’re God Damn right he can, don’t let BK tell you any different.

There has never been a great football movie because football movies need less of Al Pacino posing and pretending to fuck Elizabeth Berkely and more stuff like this:

A great football movie needs to somehow combine the intricate elements that will make football fans love it and non-football fans appreciate and be fascinated by it.  “Any Given Sunday” actually I think had that most in mind but it’s undone by it’s Writer/Director who didn’t recognize what he had and instead wanted to make it seem bigger.

But a few years back, as Hollywood lore goes, there was a great script for a great football movie.  Oh yes, my friends, it existed.  And it focused not on the Quarterback, or the Coach, or the Owner, or the Crazy Linebacker.

It focused on very possibly the most unsung player on the field.  It focused on the Cornerback.  In the case of the legendary, never-produced, not quite finished and in fact barely started script, it focused on an undersized, undrafted kid with hops and punt returning jiggles and shakes from a small college in Sacramento.

And while that script never made it to the big screen, I was so enthralled by its potential,  that my passion for the position of cornerback now runs deep.

Because when you’re locked down on a receiver one-on-one and fans watching at home DON’T see what you do – that means you’ve done your job.  No one in the NFL gets less TV time than the Jets Darrelle Revis.  Because he’s always locked down on his man and his guy is seldom open.  Even if the receiver he’s covered breaks way both the quarterback and Offensive Coordinator have already given up on his side and rejiggered their offensive philosophy to basically play with 10.

However, in most instances the theory of the shut down corner is overrated.  There are very few shut down corners.  There was a time when ex-Giant Jason Sehorn was considered a shut down corner.  Then he winked during the National Anthem before the start of the 2001 Super Bowl, got burned by Brandon Stokely, married an actress from Law & Order and spent the final years of his career being bitched slapped by more quarterbacks than Ben Roethlisberger’s been slapped with sexual harassment suits.

The truth is stick any corner on an island one-on-one with a solid NFL receiver and a decent NFL quarterback and at some point he’s going to get beat.  Plus defenses, from various pass rushing stunts to multiple zone coverages, are designed often to specifically prevent a cornerback from having to spend too much time going mano-y-mano with any one receiver.

NFL defenses are like your car radio dial.  It’s designed for you to only have to listen to just so much Colin Cowherd before your skin literally begins to crawl off of your body and you instinctively switch the dial to Christian Rock because even Christian Rock starts to sound good after 6 1/2 minutes of Cowherd.  Your radio dial is like the free safety coming over to help.  You just don’t have to go one-on-one that long if you’re a corner in the NFL.


The crop of 2010 cornerbacks is highlighted by Florida Gator Joe Haden, who’s physicals are good enough when compounded by what looks like near picture perfect technique.  Haden is the only corner who’s really projected to be another Revis, although I’m not sure SEC conference mate Kareen Jackson from Alabama is all that far behind.  He’s considered a little more raw and his 13 reps literally made BK vomit.  But he’s quicker than a cat on speed and looks to have even more room to develop than Haden.  Although granted that maybe that’s just because he’s not as good.

I’m all over Rutgers’ Devin McCourtey – a fast riser who might just yet sneak into the end of Round 1.  McCourtey runs a sub 4.5 40 and managed NOT to be called out very much in a fairly prolific Big East conference.  Plus he can return kicks and he drinks like a fish and one of his brothers is a Boston Cop and another is a Priest and another is a mobster who talks like Matt Damon with an accent.  Okay, he’s not really Irish but if we was that would be like totally how it is.

It’s hard not to be impressed with the physicals on Florida States Patrick Robinson, who goes 4.42 in the 40, skies high at 39 inches and can read and break off a pass to nab an interception quicker than Ashton Kutcher can punk an actress who 2 years from now we’ll forget ever existed.

And speaking of physicals, what in the world to make of the Dez Bryant of cornerbacks – Chris Cook.  In a world of 5’10, 190lbs. players Cook has a Sehorn like body coming in at 6’2″, 212 lbs” and still motors and flies – 4.46 40, 38″ vert, 11″ broad – but only pulled off 7 reps at the combine?  Just because he missed the entire year at V-Tech shouldn’t have tapped his strength.  The BK-o-Meter, which was climbing steadily on Cook, fell so dramatically after his performance in the weight room that it broke and he had to replace it with a migrant farm worker from Oxnard on furlough for 3 days until the meter was fixed.

Finally, Boise State Kyle Wilson is generating some heat and has a strong shot of going in Round 1 and BK likes him because of those 25 reps, but my guess is the speed isn’t all there and just because Boise State was good doesn’t mean their competition in the Big West was.

BK-0-METER

The greatest football movie never made was – and this might be a surprise to you – a script worked on by myself and a little guy named BK.  But we could never pull the storyline all the way together and disagreed on some integral characters.  While we both enjoyed meshing out the character of white lightning Wide Receiver Tyke Tannenbaum, we had disagreements over how large a role Quarterback Sandy Lassiter should play.  In an unrelated note, Mark Collins is both BK and my all-time favorite Giant cornerback.

TOP 10 CORNERBACKS

Joe Haden, Florida
Universally considered the cream-o-the crop and BK-o-Meter is quite high.

Kareem Jackson, Alabama
He may be a little soft and has his moments, but if he puts in the work he could find his way to Hawaii.  Not for the Pro Bowl, which is now in Miami, but to Hawaii where he can spend his bonus check on a lovely luau and rent a scooter to ride around the big island.

Devin McCourty, Rutgers
I may have been kidding about his non-existent Irish heritage,  but I wasn’t kidding when I said his DDI’s mad rock bitch.

Patrick Robinson, Florida State
Very solid all around player, he could be considered the #2 corner behind Haden if only his hips were more fluid.

Amari Spievey, Iowa
Nothing wrong with this Spievey kid despite his effeminate name.

Kyle Wilson, Boise State
The BK-o-Meter says he can play, but the DDI says not so much.

Jerome Murphy, South Florida
The interesting thing about South Florida is it’s not located in the southern part of Florida.  Does Jerome Murphy know this?  If so, I give him a chance to succeed.  If not, he’s fucked.

Perrish Cox, Oklahoma State
He’s a good player but there’s nothing special here and the BK-o-Meter agrees.  Then again, the BK-o-Meter also said Huckabee takes Texas, Celtic Pride is box office gold and tech stocks will never stop climbing.

Walter Thurmond, Oregon
Nate Thurmond was an undersized- banger in the NBA for years, primarily with the Golden State Warriors, who was named one of the 50 greatest players of all time.  Later after he retired he opened up a BBQ restaurant.  Walter Thurmond once had BBQ ribs at The Screen Door in Portland, which makes an amazing oatmeal pancake btw.

Chris Cook, Virginia
It wouldn’t seem like he’s going to make it, but if he does slip into round 3 don’t you have to take him at that point?

BK LUCKY NUMBER 11

Javier Arenas, Alabama
I don’t like to crowd the ratings on the BK-o-Meter or BK’s thoughts on players by actually talking with BK and getting his thoughts.  If I wanted to talk about everything BK didn’t know, we’d be here all day.  Did I use that line already in another blog post?  But BK made mention that Javier is a spunky short guy who could be (and I quote) “the next Kevin Dockery.”  Wow that’s encouraging.  That’s like saying a new soda could be the next Cactus Cooler.

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Has any position fallen more in perceived high pick value recently than that of Running Back?  Draftniks now speak of running backs almost like they’re talking about interior offensive lineman: “You can develop a good one”, “No need to spend a high pick on one”, “The value is low because every team now no longer has a feature back,” “How did Christina Hendricks get voted best looking woman in America with DW and Candy K. still on the board?”

Between 2002-2004, no running back was drafted higher than Boston College bust William Green.  And though recently some backs have been picked up in the Top 10, only the Vikes Adrian Peterson really came with that “feature back” buzz around him.  The likes of Ronnie Brown, Reggie Bush and Darren McFadden were looked upon more like Hybrid guys – runners slash receivers slash returners slash Kim Kardashian booty calls.

Between 1990-99, 11 running backs were selected in the Top 10 and included names like Tommy Vardell (9th to Cleveland ’92), Lawrence Phillips (6th to the Rams in ’96), Tim Biakabatuka (8th to Carolina in ’96) and the Penn State three – Blair Thomas (2nd by the Jets in ’90 and 15 picks ahead of Emmitt Smith), Ki-Jana Carter (1st by the Bengals in ’95) and Curtis Ennis (5th by the Bears in ’98).  It’s not that all the RB picks drafted that high were busts during this time – SDSU’s gentlemanly Marshall Faulk was nabbed by the Colts 2nd overall in ’94.  But it’s striking how many other better running backs were selected later.  GM’s understandably had to begin to think that predicting the  success of a running back was as big a crapshoot as predicting the success of a quarterback – except with a RB there was really a lot less to gain so therefore why waste such a high pick.

In 1987, I loved the running backs on the board.  Alonzo Highsmith was the do-it-all back from the U; Brent Fullwood was a runner’s runner from Auburn, D.J. Dozier was a power back with hop from can’t miss Penn State, Rod Bernstein was going to create a whole new Running Back/Tight End position from Texas A&M, while Clemson’s Terrance Flagler was too fast to fail.  Each and everyone would bust.  But my favorite back that year was Temple’s little firecracker Paul Palmer.

When you think of colleges churning out great college football players, you probably don’t think of Philadelphia’s Temple University.  Between 1991-99, the Temple Owls football team won 15 times while losing 84 times.  I haven’t seen a percentage that poor since BK’s attempt to get a woman to dance with him back in ’96 on a visit to the Rum Jungle at Mandalay Bay.

Yet despite the Owls ineptitude on the field, Paul Palmer was piling up yardage.  In fact when Paul Palmer left Temple, he had racked up the 6th most yards in college football history with close to 4,900.  Although smaller than ideal, Paul could do it all – run, pass, with sneaky bits of speed bursts that exploded like Pop Rocks in your mouth.

But Palmer was a bomb in the pros.  The Chiefs, who just two (2) years early had drafted a bust running back in Ethan Horton, busted again with Palmer and he too was out of Kansas City after 2 just seasons despite showing some signs of life as a kick returner and 3rd down back.  He spent one forgettable year in Detroit before being out of the league.  An aborted comeback attempt saw an already past his prime Palmer not even reach the heights of mediocrity for 2 years with Barcelona in the now defunct WLAF and that was that.

Yet amazingly, things weren’t that bad for the Chiefs.  In the 2nd round they drafted Christian Okoye who would turn out to be one of the better backs in the league for a couple of years and rushed for over 4500 more yards in his career than the erstwhile Palmer.  And thus planted yet another seed that is still being sown today regarding the gradual downgrading of the running back position in the NFL draft.

So whether it was the infamous Penn State 3 (and it really should be 4 if you count Dozier), the overdrafting of Paul Palmer or the casting of O.J. Simpson as a former running back turned executive turned murderer T.D. Parker on the HBO series’ “First and Ten”, this once sexy position is as moribund as O.J.’s search for the real killers.

That show never was the same after they replaced Burke with Tweed.

This year, there’s only 1 running back guaranteed to go in the 1st round and he also falls into the more versatile all-around category as opposed to every down back.  Still, C.J. Spiller is flat out one of the five (5) best players in this year’s draft.  A combination of Darren Sproles meeting DeAngelo Williams meeting Jamie Oliver after he’s helped teach a school full of inner city kids the importance of good nutrition, Spiller can eat catch the ball out of the back field and slice through defenders all why making fresh pasta and sprinkling it with spinich he learned to grow in the Botany class he audited his freshman year at Clemson.

Spiller should have been invited to the Heisman ceremony as he had a better year than that douche Tim Tebow and his blistering 40 time at the combines…well that just merits another look.

However, I must admit I don’t think Spiller is necessarily worth a Top 10 pick – although it’s fine if someone selects him there.  I say that because I see C.J. as more Sproles than DeAngelo – a terrific kick returner and specialty backer but not someone who’s going to get anymore carries than a Reggie Bush.  He needs to be in the right situation, but he’s still by far the #1 back in the draft.

Only two (2) other backs, Fresno State’s Ryan Mathews and Cal’s Jahvid Best also have any chance of making a first round appearance.  I don’t see it with Mathews, who rushed for 1,808 yards in the wide-open WAC last year but doesn’t strike me as having anything unique enough to be more than a back-up and specials guy.  Best, on the other hand, I thought might catapult into the first round despite an injury-plagued college career with a strong combine that actually saw him record a faster 40 time than Spiller (4.35 vs. 4.37) not to mention shuttle and cone drill results that made me get off my couch, pull up my pants and take notice.  But concern’s about his durability and even his size seem to lower his ranking.

Size, along with where he fits and some of his physicals, also will hold Ole Miss RB Dexter McCluster to Round 2 or 3 as well while USC’s Joe McKnight will try to rebound from a somewhat disappointing college career.  Someone will take a gamble on McKnight and while there’s a part of me that thinks maybe just maybe he was underutilized at SC and he’ll find a home and superior career in the NFL, there’s another part of me that thinks McKnight just wasn’t that good.  Then again there’s a third part of me that thinks women should never wear the color blue and a fourth part of me that insists that the next Governor of the great state of California should actually be the three-headed monster of Wahoo Fish Taco founders Eduardo Lee, Mingo Lee and Wing Lam.

How much you wanna bet Wing fucked Ashley right after that?  I’ll bet you two fish tacos (mild) and an order of baja rolls – and I’d win.

A look at this year’s Running Backs wouldn’t be complete witout a gander at Toby Gerhart of Stanford who had a breakthrough senior season to finish 2nd in the Heisman voting and, to the shock of some, actually did okay at the NFL Combines.  However, his “good enough” performance (as fast as Mathews in the 40 and in the Top 5 among all RB’s in the bench and in his vert) has GM’s who thought Gerhart might be “worth the risk” in Rounds 4-6 now faced with “having” to take him in 2 or 3 when maybe they’d just prefer wait for strong man Ben Tate or Oregon wild child LeGarrette Blount later in the draft.  My guess is that’s exactly what happens.  Teams weigh their options come the end of the 2nd/early 3rd and decide that even though this isn’t a particularly deep running back class, taking a higher ranked player at another position and taking a chance on who’s around a few rounds later at RB will look appealing if Gerhart’s the best that’s left.  That’s why my guess is Mr. Toby ends up hanging around until Day 3.

BK-o-METER

Because of the likes of Terrell Davis (the LATE 6th round grab by the Denver Broncos) and Curtis Martin (all-time value as a 3rd round pick of the Pats), the 1995 draft for Running Backs is able to overcome the fact that out of the five (5) backs taken in the first round – including Carter and Heisman trophy winner (and probably overly dissed as a bust) Rashaan Salaam – the draft was a hodgepodge of up-and-down careers.  For the Giants that year, the debate came down to Salaam and Michigan’s Tyrone Wheatley, who BK saw as “the next Rodney Hampton” but with more speed and (quoting BK verbatim here) “zippity doo dah.”  However, Giants coach Dan Reeves had his southern heart set on Salaam but eventually lost out to upper management who selected him despite his protestations.  Of course just because the Giants selected Wheatley didn’t mean Reeves had to play him and that’s just what he didn’t do.  He never let him be the feature back.  In Wheatley’s first four (4) years with the Giants he ran the ball exactly as many times as Curtis Martin ran the ball with the Patriots in his rookie season – 368.  This infuriated BK, who already had an issue with Southern Baptist’s following an incident involving legendary toll booth Tosser Tommy K. and a bad run-in with a Stuckey’s PB&J at an exit just outside of Charleston back in ’84.  “What the fuck,” spewed BK, “I mean really, what…the…fuck,” when new coach Jim Fassell ran Wheatley just 14 times in 1998.  “How can you hand the ball off to Gary Brown and that Dave Meggett fucking wanna and never gonna be Tiki Barber when you’ve got 235 pounds of Pro Bowl potential just sitting on the bench!” When the Giants traded Wheatley, he vowed that the G-Men would rue the day and for much of the 2000 season they did as Wheatley rushed for over 1,000 years for the Raiders.  But as time went on, Wheatley’s weight played havoc with his ability to stay on the field and BK eventually named his dog after Tiki Barber, although he kept his name for his penis the same – The Big Wheat.

TOP 10 RUNNING BACKS

C.J. Spiller, Clemson
Exactly what he becomes is still unclear, but he will be an impact player at the next level.

Jahvid Best, California
Basically a poor man’s Spiller, he probably makes it as some kind of hybrid guy too and he’ll be more impactful than ex-Cal Bear Marshawn Lynch.

Ben Tate, Auburn
I see Marion Barber like potential here and as long as he’s not drafted by the Cowboys or Eagles, he can’t possibly turn into as big a prick.  BK-o-Meter really likes his physicals.

Montario Hardesty, Tennessee
You need to be careful not to overestimate physicals no matter what the BK-o-Meter reads but if he stays healthy then all his combine results, his character and his play when he was on to the field point to him possibly being the 2nd best back in this draft.

Dexter McCluster, Mississippi
Let’s hear if for the little guys.  I’m going to wear a shift on draft day that simply says “Why not McCluster?” Actually, my shirt’s going to say “Clipper Nation” because when I was a season ticket holder a few years back to the L.A. Clippers and they made the playoffs they handed those shirts off before every home game – so I’ve got like 12 of them.

Ryan Mathews, Fresno State
I don’t think Mathews makes a big impact at the next level, but at this point you’d be hard-pressed to find anything better.  Sort of like making The Hurt Locker best picture…oh wait, UP was better.

Anthony Dixon, Mississippi State
A slow 40 time at the combine doesn’t scare me because if you can play you can play.  And not much scares me – not the KFC Double Down, not another movie directed by Greg Araki, not even another sold-out comedy show by Dane Cook.  Because if Dane Cook can get 20,000 people to laugh at a non-joke simply by saying the word “Sangwich” than Anthony Dixon has a place in the National Football League.

Jonathan Dwyer, Georgia Tech
I kinda like Dwyer with his strong DDI and surprising BK-o-Meter read.  This could be the year Georgia Tech rises from being whatever it was before this year.

Joe McKnight, USC
I’ve got to start grading these USC guys down and McKnight is a good place to start.

Toby Gerhart, Stanford
I don’t really think he’ll make it in the league, but then again who else can I put in the Top 10.  Like a former CEO once said to me when describing the new head of marketing, “Well, you know, she’s as good as we could get,” of which I responded, “That’s what they said about you.” She was fired a year later.

BK LUCKY NUMBER 13

Lonyae Miller, Fresno State
“Better than Mathews,” BK belted after exiting the bathroom with a copy of Football America in his left hand.  Most of his combine numbers were slightly above that of teammate Ryan Mathews, but it was his first name of Lonyae that really captured BK’s attention.  “I once masturbated to Loni Anderson while watching an episode of WKRP,” reminisced BK.  “It was a moment of pure bliss and joy – just me, my dick in my right hand and a turkey rolley sammy in my left.”  When I informed BK I preferred to pleasure myself to Bailey, he curtly responded “Who the fuck is Bailey?  Now shut-up and get me a sandwich.”

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This is a good, not great, group of Defensive Ends this year with possibly four (4) players going in the first round (depending on your thoughts about Florida’s Carlos Dunlap).

The Deep End, by the way, is a movie with Tilda Swinton and the title refers to a gay bar in Reno where her son may or may not be involved in some unfortunate doings.  Like this year’s Defensive End group, it’s a good not great movie, but I’m too tired to come up with a more clever title so why not take a peak at the movies’ trailer.

So since we’re less than a week away from the draft and I’m way behind in my blog posts, why don’t we just watch this highlight clip of Georgia Tech’s Derrick Morgan and then go to the rankings.

BK-O-METER

One wouldn’t think of BK as a Notre Dame apologist and in reality he’s not.  But he was all over two (2) Notre Dame players prior to the 2005 draft like Robert DeNiro at an all-female NAACP convention.  He championed heavily for Golden Domers Justin Tuck and Ryan Grant that year, but I didn’t see it.  Justin lacked the fire in his belly that I wanted to see in a defensive end and Grant – who absolutely should not have come out a year early coming off of a so-so year – didn’t have pro-running back skills – or so I thought.  But the Giants nabbed Tuck with the 10th pick of the 3rd round and later would sign Grant onto their practice squad after he went undrafted.  And the future proved BK right.  Grant would spend 2 years on the Giants practice squad before being traded to a running back deprived Packer team where he’d become a boarder-line Pro Bowl player.  Meanwhile,  Tuck would show promise right from the start and soon he’d create a very long-lasting and sincere friendship with Lynn Redgrave.

TOP 12 DEFENSIVE ENDS

Derrick Morgan, Georgia Tech
I really do like Derrick Morgan – he’s an absolute top 10 talent

Jason Pierre-Paul, South Florida
More speed than strength, I have my doubts about this Big East dominator – but I can’t rate a USC guy so high and Wooten and Dunlup are probably situational guys so we stick with the flow and put Pierre-Paul at number 2.

Emerson Griffin, USC
Here’s the deal with E.G.  I like him.  I think he looks good.  I think he can play, make an impact and is worth a late 1st.  But the more I do this blog, the more I realize the plethora of underachieving USC guys in the NFL and it’s giving me the heebie jeebies.  That also might be caused by the cupcake I ate at a baby shower earlier today.

Corey Wooten, Northwestern
I like him more than Dunlap as a situational pass rusher who could develop into a 3-down player.  The only thing holding him back is his health, but if he’s good to go I’d pick him.

Carlos Dunlap, Florida
Seems like a nice kid, the kind of guy who you could go to a bar with and he’d get laid and you’d get drunk and stuck with the tab.  But it’s just that lack of maturity that makes me question if he’ll make it in the league.

Alex Carrington, Arkansas State
Another physicals guy with size and strength and not a lot of playing to back it up but I think in the right situation you could find a place for him and besides wasn’t their a TV character named Alex Carrington?  (If you said the Joan Collins character from “Dynasty” you’d be correct.  If you’re a male and you said the Joan Collins character from “Dynasty” you’d also be gay).

Brandon Lang, Troy
The next Derek Ware – if Derek Ware were injury prone and had far less physicals skills.

Ricky Sapp, Clemson
He might turn out to be a very good player.  He was a good player at Clemson, runs fast for DE (4.7 40 at the Combines), pretty strong – but the BK-o-Meter refuses to rate guys named Sapp.

Greg Hardy, Mississippi
Not a bad player and I’ll go to battle with those 35 reps.

Clifton Geather, South Carolina
I’d like to go to battle with Mr. Geather’s 36 reps – except he sort of kinda isn’t a very good player.

Willie Young, North Carolina State
Don’t let the 251 pound frame fool you – at 6’4″ plus he’s got some room to pack on some pounds and he’s got Amy Acuff like hops which could come in handy when it comes to blocking field goal attempts or hopping over a fence while being chased by police after being racially profiled.

Hall Davis, Louisiana-Lafayette
Good 40 time and a first name of “Hall” has the BK-o-Meter soaring.

BK LUCKY NUMBER 13

Back in the late 80’s BK put together a barn-storming basketball team that traveled the parks of New Jersey looking for games and bitches.  He carefully hand-picked his squad – yours truly as the flashy and controversial point guard; Chris Garber as the matinee-idol, ultra-athletic slasher; Gary “Gakula” Gabison as the intimidating enforcer in the paint; and BK himself as the smooth shooting, no defense off guard.  The final piece of the puzzle – and ultimately the downfall of the team – was his selection of Greg Emmanuel as the wide body, low-post scoring and rebounding option.  The Charles Barkley of the team minus the skill, personality, or gambling addiction.  But Emmanuel never gravitated towards the position, preferring instead to toss up ugly 18 foot set-shots and shying away from contact under the basket while losing weight at a rapid pace.   Similar to his namesake, Ole Miss DE Emmanuel Stephens, who at just 247 pounds, is too small to play end in the league and doesn’t really have the frame to pack on much more.  Overmatched and underskilled, Stephens will be a bouncer at a Riverboat Casino before the year ends – but until then he reminds BK of a more innocent time.

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