Last night’s NFL Draft was gripping television to watch – especially if you TiVo’d the coverage on NFL Network so you could fast forward every time Michael Irvin opened his mouth.
The first 3 picks offered no surprises, but when sharp-dressed, gentle-tongued Gerald McCoy begin crying uncontrollably after being drafted 3rd overall by the Tampa Bay Bucs it proved two things – he’s too soft to be a great player in this league and that he’s going to fall in love with every stripper who gives him a lap dance at Mons Venus.
After that the surprises went from mild (Williams over Okung at 4; Berry over Okung at 5) to the wild (Cal’s DT Tyson Alualu going at 10 to the Jags – NICE CALL AND NICER SUIT MIKE MAYOCK!; San Diego trading up to 12 for Ryan Mathews – was he really going to go that high?) to the strange (San Francisco trading up 2 spots to draft high-ceiling, low-work ethic Anthony Davis when neither of the 2 teams they jumped ahead of – Denver and Miami – would seemingly have any intention of drafting him).
But of course the biggest story was that of Tim Tebow, once again managing to steal the spotlight away from Sam Bradford and Joe Haden and Dez Bryant and even future All-time NFL Sack King Jason Pierre-Paul.
Apparently Denver Bronco coach Josh McDaniel was so hot for Tim Tebow that he couldn’t wait any longer and had to trade up to the 25th pick to grab him. This led to Tim Tebow whipping out the Bronco cap he’d already bought because he heard a message from God (or more accurately, a text message from McDaniel the day before saying they were going to draft him) and then having another one of those “Ah Shucks, I’m gonna work so gosh darn hard” interviews that made BK call him charming, CK1 call him cute and SK47 vomit on BK’s shirt.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Clausen has to be watching all of this and saying to himself, “Tim Tebow is such a douche.” Then again, Clausen calling Tebow a douche is a little bit like John Edwards calling Sarah Palin unfaithful and hypocritical. We haven’t seen a slip like this since Lindsey Lohan’s nipple peaked out of her loose-fitting Old Navy top while she stumbled out of the West Hollywood apartment of the valet she just fucked back in ’04…and ’05..and 06…and ’07 and…okay, you get the joke.
When a player who was thrown off his team and forgot to bring in his shoes to his own pro day is drafted before you – well then you’ve got problems. It should teach a lesson to all you young Quarterbacks out there. If you want to be drafted in the 1st round of the NFL draft, try to avoid the Ryan Leaf and Cade McNown comparisons.
Still Bryant was probably a victim and of the Santonio Holmes/Brandon Marshall nonsense this off-season and if Clausen’s maturity and attitude was that much in question then the Roethlisberger troubles this year probably didn’t help him much either.
So before we take a look at what to expect on Day 2 of the draft, let’s analyze Day 1.
SURPRISES BIG AND SMALL
The rumors were pretty strong that Washington was leaning towards Trent Willams over Russell Okung and as I predicted KC went with Eric Berry over an offensive lineman (I also predicted Derrick Morgan would go 4th and Jimmy Clausen would go 9th so I think I proved myself to be pretty much spot on all night).
The Joe Haden pick at 7 by Cleveland was a mild surprise. Still if Holmgren didn’t like Clausen and lost out on Berry then a defensive back made sense – so if you have Haden rated higher on your board than Earl Thomas – go for it.
Rolando McClain at 8 was a good pick by the Raiders and allowed us the avoid the annual “Let’s Bash Al Davis” talk at the draft – at least for one day. It did break the heart of Giants fans, but BK had already braced himself for this inevitability. Like the time freshman Kimberly Laundau rejected his creepy advances to go out on a date with him. After she avoided him like teams avoid Notre Dame quarterbacks with attitude, BK had already mentally braced himself that he’d have no date to the Senior Prom.
I love the Bills pick of Spiller even though they still don’t have a QB because really if you’re the Bills what position don’t you need an upgrade from. The next 3 picks were a bit bizarre – no one had Alaulu rated that high (except the Jags apparently) and then that trade up for Davis which seemed unnecessary followed by the huge move up for Mathews by the Chargers. Even if they were concerned Seattle would nab him, was he really worth that much draft bling?
Derrick Morgan’s fall was unexpected. Tennessee supposedly really wanted Graham or Pierre-Paul, but the Georgia Tech outside rusher doesn’t seem like such a bad consolation prize. And my prediction of the Bulaga fall was right on the money (or at least right on the loose change).
The Cowboys trading up for Dez Bryant wasn’t a huge surprise at that point and it’s likely the Ravens would have nabbed him with the next pick which is interesting if you think about it. Here Jerry Jones rips Tim Tebow while drinking. Then he trades up for Bryant – the guy the Ravens probably wanted – allowing the Ravens to trade their pick to the Broncos who take – Tim Tebow.
That’ll be a great story, espcially when both are out of the league by 2014.
You couldn’t really say wide receiver was a need position for the Cowboys, but it’s not like Austin, Crayton and Williams are spectacular so I guess why not. Still, matching Bryant with Roy Williams – a high-talent, inconsistent player from the Big 12 with questionable work ethic and heart – seems like bad karma.
Then again, karma’s a bitch when you’re in Dallas.
The Dan Williams slip to the Cards at 26 was a mild surprise but overweight guys with reputations of not working that hard don’t seem to get as far as they used to – unless your John Goodman…or Anthony Davis. However, landing in Arizona may not be the best move for Big Dan as the Cards have been known as the place where defensive lineman go to die.
Interestingly enough, Goodman clocked in a 40 .04 seconds faster than Williams at his Pro Day in that scene.
Finally, I liked all three (3) of the last picks of the draft. Best to Detroit, Hughes to Indianapolis and Robinson to the Saints. It’s the best last 3 picks of the draft since…well, Britt, Wells, Hood might turn out all right from last year.
Derrick Morgan! Sean Weatherspoon! Not Dan Williams!!!. Those were the calls emanating from BK as the wheels kept turning in his head. With McClain and Graham off the board (and my refusal to allow him to mention Dez Bryant any longer) BK thought the Giants were going Morgan. “But do we need an end? I don’t know,” wondered BK allowed. “What’s an end” chimed in CK1. “You’re going to see the end of my first upside your head bitch if you don’t shut the fuck up!” yelped out BK in an angry retort. “Okay, let me just get some more apricots for the mole tacos” and away CK1 went while the Tracinator simply said “Ooooh, child, I can’t go for that, I got fat on my back.” When thing settled down and BK unpaused the draft and the Giants landed Pierre-Paul, BK was unsure of what to think. Enthralled by his talent, wary of his experience, unsure of the need. Like BK’s early fascination with Sam Rockwell, he didn’t know what to make until he saw confessions of “A Dangerous Mind.” It was at that point that he knew Rockwell was a genius and I knew BK was an idiot. When the NFL Network showed the now legendary Pierre-Paul’s back flips BK stated “That shows me he can do a good spin move”, CK1 stated “That shows me he’s a quick cummer in bed” and SK47 looked up from her weary slumber and simply stated, “They should’ve taken Hughes” and then vomited on BK’s shirt a second time.