The comedian Louis C.K. has a bit where he basically talks about guys who are just “fags.” It’s not that they’re gay, it’s that they’re just…fags.
It’s politically incorrect, but anyone who isn’t completely socially inept or oblivious to the world around them (which is exactly 53.8% of the U.S. population) knows exactly what he’s talking about. It’s only moderately funny, but it’s completely understandable.
Tim Tebow is not literally a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons, usually the rinsing of the vagina. In fact, Tim Tebow has never actually seen a real vagina since his almost aborted birth over 20 years ago and wasn’t even allowed to say the word “Vagina” until his senior year in high-school and only then when denouncing Eve Ensler during a Sunday school sermon.
But as undeniably effective and multi-faceted as Tebow was as a quarterback during his 4-year career at Florida, let’s face it…he is pretty much a douche. I mean, he was a douche when he “spoke” for the team after Urban Meyer’s temporary leave of absence. He was a douche when he spoke about how “no football player will ever push himself or his teammates harder” after the Gators once lost a football game. He even came off as a douche when Thom Brennaman infamously stated during the 2009 National Championship game “If you’re fortunate to spend five minutes or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it” and that incident wasn’t even of his doing. Yet when you heard that, you didn’t say to yourself, “Thom Brennaman is a tool” (alright, well maybe you did) but you almost certainly also said, “Fuck Tim Tebow, he’s such a douche.” And so when Tim Tebow was taking the Wonderlic test at the NFL Combine (prior to scoring his un-quarterback like 22) and announced that a prayer should be said and supposedly another player in the room told him to “Shut the fuck up” that player was speaking for every non-Evangelical Christian football fan in the United States.
No one believes Tim Tebow is going to be a starting NFL quarterback. It seems as if only a handful of people think he even has a future as a Wildcat or Back-Up QB. What makes it interesting is Tim Tebow’s physicals are pretty good. He’s a legit 6’3”, 245 who ran the fourth fastest 40 at the combine behind West Virginia’s Jarrett Brown (who’s basically a higher ceiling version of Tebow), Central Mishes Dan LeFevour and Okie States Zach Robinson. And his 38.5 vertical was by far the best out of any of the QB’s at the combine which rates just behind his love of French Roast coffee and peculiar habit of wearing white tube socks with dress shoes as being relevant factors to his future as an NFL Quarterback.
Yet Tim Tebow has gotten more coverage on more NFL draft website and sports talk shows than the recovering Sam Bradford, the other likely first rounder Jimmy Clausen, the forgotten but high-ceiling Jevan Snead, the intriguing LaFevour or even the more versatile Brown. And while none of this is necessarily his fault either, it just confirms once and for all that that Tim Tebow really is a douche.
However, talking about Tebow is the most interesting thing about the 2010 QB draft class and that’s because I’m not convinced any of these guys should be drafted in the first round – and we know that Bradford and Clausen are both likely to be drafted in the Top 10. In fact, I’ve learned to just enjoy looking at the this year’s QB’s knowing that this may be the biggest bust crop of quarterbacks since the Carr, Harrington, Ramsey draft of ’02.
Sam Bradford has got to be the meekest looking 6’4” quarterback I’ve ever seen – and I’ve spent the last 6 years watching every game Eli Manning has played. He’s 218 pounds soaking wet and piled up stats in a spread offense that he’s now a year removed from playing in regularly. I’m not saying Sam Bradford is going to be another Andre Ware. But what does the name Browning Nagle mean to you? It should mean nothing. Nagle was a 2nd round pick for the Jets back in the day out of Louisville who later was handed a starting job he hadn’t remotely come close to earning and was quickly out of the league after that. I just wanted to be the first person to invoke the memory of Browning Nagle this draft season. What I’m really saying is Sam Bradford is another Andre Ware.
Jimmy Clausen should be the #1 overall quarterback drafted. He’s big enough (6’2, 223) and comes from Charlie Weis’ pro-style offense at Notre Dame. But the rumor is that he’s immature (read: could be another Ryan Leaf), has an attitude (read: could be another Cade McNown) and the barely better than Tebow 23 he scored on the Wonderlic ain’t doing him any favors either. Is he the kind of guy who might go to a college bar, get a blow-job from an under-21 year-old coed and then later be accused of sexual assault after being accused of the same offense less than a year later? Of course. But can he help lead a team to two (2) Super Bowl rings before that inevitability? Mike Holmgren will have to make that determination but I tend to think not.
In some ways, Colt McCoy is a sadder story than Bradford or Tebow. He’s also coming off an injury, also coming off a somewhat disappointing senior season and also doesn’t have a lot of people pulling for him. But he’s getting less attention than a hooker on Craig’s List whose advertisement simply reads “Why not just jerk off instead.” In fact the only time he’s mentioned is usually when someone is talking about another draft prospect, such as “Did you see the way Ndamukong Suh terrorized McCoy,” or “Did you see how Suh made McCoy his bitch” or even “Colt McCoy? I didn’t even know he was still alive after Suh killed him in the Big 12 Championship game.”
Still McCoy keeps getting mentioned, like Tebow, in the Top 5 of quarterback prospects but I have a suspicion that’s more based on media familiarity than actual facts and his draft stock may be slipping fast. While I do like McCoy more than Tony “If I was 2 inches shorter no one would even be talking about me” Pike out of Cincinnati, my guess is he is less likely to succeed in the League than more versatile signal callers as Brown and Robinson or high upside guys like Snead and LeFevour. While I wouldn’t take “projects” like Fordham’s John Skelton or Tom Hiller out of Western Michigan ahead of him (because those types of late round “project QB from small school” picks rarely pan out), my guess is Mr. McCoy will be joining Mr. Tebow on the “Jesus must love College Football more than Pro Football” tour sure to hit small towns throughout Kansas, Arkansas and Central Texas sometime in the fall of 2012.
When BK was still pushing Dungeons and Dragons, I was making rock solid QB predictions. In ’82 at the tender age of 11 I chastised the Colts picking of Art Schlichter before heading out to Monmouth Park so I could lay down $20 to win on any horse that was gray. In ’83 I said Dan Marino would be the best QB of the draft (close enough) but also said Todd Blackledge would be 2nd (but I do like his little vignettes on ESPN Saturday Night college football when he goes to the local eateries. Familiar, interesting, comfortable). It would be years later before BK would dip his toes in the draft. In 1999 he was indifferent towards Tim Couch, but chastised the Donovan McNabb pick (who I had rated as my #1 overall QB) while applauding the Bengals drafting of Akili Smith (I saw that guy play once and he can do everything) and simply calling Cade McNown a natural born leader. It was at this point that I became convinced BK would eventually marry either a remarkably agile black man or an alcoholic white man with a slew of parking tickets in his backseat that he met at Frat Party in Bakersfield. But BK redeemed himself when in 2005 he made one of his boldest statements ever. “I do not understand how NFL GM’s think. Have they seen Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers both play? Smith has no chance of making it in the NFL, it’s a complete joke. But Rodgers is a future star in this league!” While I was somewhat indifferent towards Smith, I admit I didn’t think Rodgers would translate at the next level. It should also be noted that at this time BK started dating a woman.
TOP 12 QUARTERBACK RATINGS
1. Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame
Philip Rivers is annoying but good. Brady Quinn is just annoying. Sadly, my guess is Jimmy C is more the latter lowing his DDI. Leaf and McCown comparisons also hurt the once-burned BK-o-Meter. Still, on paper and in game film, he’s the best QB in the draft.
2. Sam Bradford, Oklahoma
The injury doesn’t bother me, but running that spread offense and piling up numbers against porous Big 12 D’s does lowering his DDI greatly. BK-o-Meter seems disinterested.
3. Jevan Snead, Ole Miss
I don’t believe he’s another Andre Woodson and some of his junior year struggles need to be contributed to his overrated team and strong conference raising his DDI. His BK-o-Meter also runs high due to the Manning connection.
4. Dan LeFevour, Central Michigan
All the physicals help him go through the roof on the BK-o-Meter but according to his DDI his prospects remain inconclusive.
5. Jarrett Brown, West Virginia
High DDI because of his versatility carries him through indifferent BK-o-Meter measuring
6. Zach Robinson, Oklahoma State
I’m not quite sure why I’ve given him such a high DDI because despite his 60+ completion percentage his junior and senior years, he never seemed that accurate when I saw him. Still, I like the physicals and toughness and feel he’ll find a roster spot somewhere.
7. Mike Kafka, Northwestern
I know I know, I blast Bradford for being a product of the system but then go ahead and rank Kafka higher than anyone else does despite piling up numbers (and bad decisions) in that pinball offense Northwestern ran. But he’s got a little something something and the BK-o-Meter is higher than expected too. Probably won’t have the physicals to make it, but what the hell.
8. Tim Tebow, Florida
Just in case Jesus wasn’t some lonely guy standing on the desert corner screaming crazies and will come back and judge us all, I better put Tebow somewhere in the Top 10 despite his record low DDI.
9. Colt McCoy, Texas
Low DDI and not a whole lot better on the BK-o-Meter. His last two moments in college were moving too slowly on a play he’s lucky didn’t run out the clock against Nebraska in the Big 12 C-Game and then getting injured right off the bat against Bama in the BCS. That’s worse karma than me mocking Tim Tebow.
10. Tony Pike, Cincinnati
His DDI should be higher considering I witnessed him beating up on Rutgers the last couple seasons, but too tall guys with inconsistent college careers in weak college conferences scare me. But his BK-o-Meter keeps him in the Top 10.
11. Sean Canfield, Oregon State
Like a Derek Anderson, Canfield will never be a regular starter in the NFL but could be a spark guy off the bench and his DDI is higher than expected.
12. Levi Brown, Troy
In my opinion, while the BK-o-Meter reeks of Hillman and Skelton, I think Levi is your better (but still not all that likely to succeed) small college QB developmental pick in 2010.
BK’S LUCKY NUMBER 13
Armanti Edwards, Appalachian State
Like BK, undersized and underestimated. Unlike BK, successful in college with two national titles to his name. But his ability to potentially find a home as a hybrid WR/Wildcat QB/slash emergency 3rd stringer make his BK-O-Meter soar.